Diane had climbed to the top of her field, but her personal life had taken a backseat to her career.
That changed the day she met Eric at a charity gala. Charming and worldly, he swept her off her feet with tales of his travels and ambitions. For the first time in years, Diane felt a spark of excitement beyond her work.
Their romance blossomed quickly, filled with passionate nights and lazy Sunday mornings. Diane found herself rearranging her schedule to accommodate impromptu dinners and weekend getaways. She relished the feeling of having someone in her life again.
But as weeks turned to months, a nagging uncertainty crept in. Eric never spoke about their future. Diane wasn’t sure where she stood, but never asked, because she was afraid to rock the boat.
“I don’t like how much you work,” Eric complained one evening. “It feels like I’m always competing with your job.”
Diane’s heart sank. “I’m sorry,” she murmured, mentally rescheduling an important meeting. “I’ll try to cut back.”
This became a pattern. Eric’s dissatisfaction surfaced regularly – with her friends, her hobbies, her habits. Each time, Diane scrambled to adjust, to please him, to keep their precious connection alive.
As she canceled yet another girls’ night out, the confident executive was fading, replaced by a woman who lived in constant fear of disappointing her partner.
She took a deep breath, finally ready to ask the question she’d been avoiding for months. It was time to find out where they really stood, even if the answer wasn’t what she hoped to hear.
Diane’s story is all too familiar for many of us. We meet someone special, and in our excitement, we may find ourselves bending over backwards to make the relationship work. But at what cost? Diane didn’t say “no” to getting more involved until she knew where she stood. She lets Eric hold all the cards.
Savvy women know that successful relationships are built on the ability to say both “yes” to what they want and “no” to what they don’t want. While saying “yes” often comes easily, many of us struggle with saying “no” in dating. Setting boundaries in relationships is critical because it establishes mutual respect, protects your well-being, and helps create a healthy balance between partners. If you find it challenging to set boundaries, don’t worry – it’s a skill that can be learned and improved over time.
Let’s explore some strategies for setting boundaries in relationships and dating:
1- Identify Your Feelings
Before you can effectively communicate your boundaries, you need to be clear about how you feel. Take time to explore your emotions and options. Are you comfortable with the situation? What do you truly want? Understanding your feelings will help you communicate more convincingly and make decisions that align with your needs. Diane never took the time to figure out how she felt about her relationship with Eric. She just went along with his plans and complaints, trying to make him happy, without stopping to ask herself what she wanted or needed.
2- Put Yourself First
As women, we’re often conditioned to be people-pleasers, prioritizing others’ needs over our own. However, putting yourself first isn’t selfish – it’s essential for building healthy relationships. How can you determine if the person you’re dating is really into you unless you make it clear when you aren’t comfortable? Diane consistently put Eric’s wishes before her own, rearranging her schedule and canceling plans with friends to accommodate him, without considering her own needs or maintaining her independence.
3- Use “I” Language
Communicate your boundaries using “I” statements. This approach not only helps prevent the other person from feeling attacked or criticized, but it also makes saying “no” in dating clearer and more effective. “I” statements keep the focus on your feelings and needs, making it easier for your date to understand and respect your boundaries.
For example, Diane could have said, “I’m really enjoying getting to know you, but I’m not ready to get more involved yet.” This is more likely to be well-received than “You’re moving too fast.” By using an “I” statement, Diane could have slowed things down and given herself time to see if Eric would make his intentions clearer. Instead, she went along with everything, missing the chance to understand where they really stood before getting more involved.
4- Stand Firm Without Arguing
If someone challenges your boundaries or tries to argue with you about them, remember that you don’t have to justify yourself or change your mind. Your boundaries are valid, and you have the right to stick to them. When Eric complained about her work, Diane could have simply stated, “My career is important to me” without apologizing or justifying. A respectful partner will accept your boundaries without pressuring you to defend them.
5- Actions Speak Louder Than Words
Sometimes, the most powerful way to set a boundary is through your actions. Diane could have set boundaries through her behavior rather than just going along with everything Eric wanted. For instance, she could have kept her own schedule and commitments instead of always adjusting to his preferences. These actions would have made her independence clear.
6- Recognize When to Walk Away
Diane never set boundaries with Eric. She went along with his plans, adjusted to his complaints, and didn’t express her own needs. If Diane starts setting boundaries – like saying no to last-minute plans, keeping her work commitments, or expressing her need for clarity – Eric’s reactions will be telling. If he gets angry, tries to make her feel guilty, or consistently ignores her expressed needs, these would be signs he’s not respecting her boundaries. In such a case, Diane might consider whether this relationship meets her needs.
Bottom Line
Setting boundaries in relationships is key to their health and success. Diane’s story shows what can happen when we forget about our own needs and wants. It’s easy to get caught up in trying to please someone else.
When we remember what’s important to us, we can set boundaries that reflect who we are and what we need. This leads to more honest conversations and better understanding in the relationship. Both people learn to respect each other’s needs, which builds trust.
Remember, a partner who respects your boundaries is showing respect for you as a person. By knowing what matters to you and setting healthy limits, you create a relationship where both of you feel heard, valued, and able to be yourselves. This kind of relationship is more likely to last and make both people happy.
Have you ever struggled with setting boundaries in dating or relationships? What’s worked for you? Share your experiences in the comments below to help others overcome this common problem in their love lives.
Do you tend to lose yourself in relationships? Tired of saying “yes” when you want to say “no”?
With over 30 years of experience as a relationship expert and therapist, I help women transform their dating and relationship experiences daily. I combine psychology and practical strategies to help you begin to feel like communicating is effortless and effective, letting you build the connections you desire. Contact me at info@drsusanedelman.com.
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