After her divorce, Melinda discovered she was nervous when she started dating again. She worried about her wrinkles and was very aware of her figure flaws, especially considering all the younger women she knew she was competing against. Being nervous was very unpleasant, and it surprised her. Sure, she had aged and put on a few pounds since she last dated, but she’d never been so self-conscious before. She wondered how she could relax and have fun again on dates.
Melinda is nervous because she wants to look perfect, but it’s not possible. Even the perfect-looking models we see in magazines are air-brushed. All the images we’re bombarded with daily are unrealistic and unattainable. But when we see them constantly, we can start to think they are the standards we should aspire to. That’s a big problem.
No one is perfect. However, some people don’t accept that fact. And even if they do, they still may want to be perfect.
What’s wrong with striving for perfection? Isn’t it healthy and desirable to strive to be successful and overcome obstacles?
Yes, as long as you don’t demand that you achieve perfection.
When your standard is perfection, you will always come up short. Succeeding is harder when you put so much pressure on yourself. And, when your expectations are unrealistic, it is bound to hurt your confidence.
In fact, you may be creating even more problems for yourself. Are you postponing dating until you lose those few pounds? Does your fear of failure cause you to avoid taking calculated risks? Are you worried about how your body measures up to other women?
Procrastination and avoiding challenges are just the tip of the iceberg. Perfectionism can distract you from any underlying issues that are screaming to be addressed. You might be afraid of rejection. The root of it might be feeling unworthy or having low self-esteem. It can be associated with adverse childhood experiences, depression, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, eating disorders, and suicidal thoughts or impulses.
So many women today go for beauty treatments and weight loss, but neither of those can fix a fear of rejection or some kind of illness.
So, how do you overcome your insecurities about your looks so that you can feel more confident with dating?
Here are some helpful tips.
1- Awareness
Being aware of yourself means observing your thoughts and feelings. This process is about understanding yourself well. Rather than judging your thoughts or emotions as good or bad, you simply become aware of them. Then you can decide whether to choose a different perspective. In this way, you can put your insecurities aside so you can be more fully in the moment on your dates.
Melinda was nervous because she feared rejection. After a messy divorce and a troubled marriage, her self-confidence was shaken. The more aware she became of the underlying feelings driving her insecurities, the more she could understand and address her problem, allowing her to enjoy her dates more.
2- Don’t Compare Yourself.
It can be hard to keep from comparing yourself to others when people flaunt their beauty and success on social media and elsewhere. But the truth is that no matter how good we are, we can all find people who are better than we are in any area of our lives. If we constantly compare ourselves to them, we will always fall short. Unfair comparison is the perfect recipe to destroy your confidence. Instead, appreciate your unique qualities that make you special.
Melinda finally was able to realize that she didn’t have to compare herself to younger women. She began appreciating her wrinkles as markers of a life well-lived and a journey full of wisdom. She knew she was looking for a man who wanted someone with her life experiences.
3- Be Kind to Yourself.
We all have our flaws, but it isn’t necessary for you to focus on them. Constantly finding fault with yourself can rob you of the motivation to try to improve yourself. Appreciating your good qualities and your willingness to work toward your goals is a much more effective motivator. Every dating experience is a learning opportunity, and it’s OK to have to learn a few things along the way. We’re all learning.
Melinda realized she could be nicer to herself by challenging her negative thoughts and fostering a more compassionate inner dialogue.
4- Don’t Believe Everything You Think.
Just because you think or feel certain ways doesn’t mean your thoughts and feelings are true. You can challenge your negative thinking. When you are overly critical of yourself, it can help to get another person’s more objective perception of your situation. Or you can start to question your negative beliefs.
For example, rather than allowing negative thoughts and ideas to dictate her self-perception, Melinda opted for a more positive mindset. Instead of fixating on her stomach, Melinda directed her attention towards highlighting her assets, such as her beautiful eyes, which people were much more likely to notice.
5- Get the Help You Need.
There is no shame in getting the help you need. Rather than being a sign of failure or weakness, it is a sign of strength to recognize you may need help and ask for it. People get great benefits from therapy to reach real success and inner peace by being able to overcome their insecurities and improve self-esteem.
In therapy, Melinda unearthed the underlying reasons behind her susceptibility to societal expectations, enabling her to break free from their limitations. The process paved the way for self-acceptance, setting relationship goals, and a transformative journey toward lasting personal growth and discovery.
Bottom Line
Overcoming your insecurities is a transformative journey that empowers you to embrace your authentic self in the pursuit of lasting love. Melinda’s dating nervousness showcases the genuine anxieties that many women feel when returning to the dating world and how they can impact your ability to authentically express yourself and enjoy the dating experience. As you embark on your own dating journey, let Melinda’s experiences guide you in understanding and navigating these nerves, allowing you to develop a more relaxed and authentic pursuit of love.
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