“Personally, I’m into the idea of a 40-something boyfriend, but getting one — and keeping him — would take a lot of energy I’m not sure I have. I have only one friend who has succeeded in this quest, and her boyfriend, a hot surfing instructor named Rodney, still won’t introduce her to his friends and family. It’s not socially acceptable in these parts for a guy to be with a woman who is 20, 25, or 30 years older. But of course, the reverse — an older man and a younger woman — is more than fine.”
— Candace Bushnell, “Sex After 60 in Sag Harbor”
Bushnell, 63, isn’t just talking about age. She’s pointing to something many women recognize: a preference that’s hard to shake, even when it tends to make love more complicated.
This is Part 2 of a 3-part series on what gets in the way of love after 40. In Part 1, we looked at what happens when women date without clarity. Now, we’re turning to the kind of preferences that seem harmless — but narrow your chances.
Why You’re Drawn In — But Still Guarded
Bushnell says she prefers men in their 40s — even though she admits it would take energy she’s not sure she has.
The only friend she knows dating a younger man is with someone who still won’t introduce her to his friends. It’s not a picture of mutual respect or lasting connection — and Bushnell sees that. But it doesn’t shift what she’s drawn to.
She knows how it usually turns out. But she still finds herself pulled in the same direction.
Attraction can keep pulling you toward men who aren’t looking for anything serious — or just not with someone your age. And that kind of pattern can come from fear.
It’s a dynamic many women know well — even if they don’t always see what’s underneath it. You feel the pull, even when the outcome rarely changes. The distance feels familiar. It lets you stay near the idea of connection, without having to risk the disappointment, hurt, or rejection that real closeness can bring. It keeps you safe — and alone.
This kind of emotional distance often plays a role in dating the wrong men after 40.
This is the hallmark of preferences driven by something other than logic.
When the Pull Isn’t About Connection
You can say you’re looking for a relationship — and still feel drawn to men who make one difficult.
Some patterns only reveal themselves over time.
The men may seem different on the surface. One is ambitious and constantly working. Another is emotionally raw after a breakup. A third is charming but hard to pin down. Each dynamic feels unique. But the result is the same: the relationship never finds solid ground.
What starts as chemistry often pulls you toward men — which helps explain why women choose the wrong partners.
It offers engagement — but not the kind that asks much of you. You don’t have to confront the fear of being hurt, disappointed, or shut out. You can stay involved without putting your heart fully on the line.
That draw is powerful. Because on some level, it helps you maintain a kind of balance — just enough hope to stay interested, just enough distance to feel safe.
Over time, the specifics change, but the emotional position doesn’t.
Where Being Guarded Comes From
It can take years to admit how much disappointment has shaped your choices in love.
Over time, the losses start to leave a mark: the relationships that started strong but never grew roots, the moments of closeness that quietly slipped away, the men who pulled back just as real closeness was beginning. You stop expecting much. You start protecting yourself without fully realizing it. Part of you stays guarded, even as you continue to hope connection is still possible.
That guard didn’t come out of nowhere. For many women, it traces back further — to relationships where emotional closeness was inconsistent, confusing, or unsafe.
A parent who was critical one moment and affectionate the next. A home where love was conditional. A childhood where you had to earn attention by being good, quiet, helpful — or invisible.
The loneliness from those early experiences cuts deep. The hurt doesn’t just disappear – you bury it to cope, to function, to move forward. But it’s still there, quietly shaping how much risk you’re willing to take now.
You learned early that getting too close meant getting hurt. That loving someone deeply could mean losing them – either through their criticism, their absence, or their inability to love you back consistently. So you adapted.
You stopped expecting connection to feel solid. And even if part of you hoped for something different, another part was already bracing — quiet, cautious, waiting for it to fall away. That’s often when women start repeating relationship mistakes — not by choice, but out of protection.
It’s a survival mechanism that made perfect sense when you were young. But now it shows up in your dating life in ways you might not even recognize. You might find yourself pulled toward the emotionally unavailable one. The man still untangling his last relationship. The one who’s clear he doesn’t want anything serious.
These choices feel like chemistry, like attraction, like bad luck. What they really are is your unconscious mind keeping you safe from the kind of deep connection that once felt dangerous.
So now, as an adult, part of you may feel pulled toward men who offer just enough to stir your hope — never enough to let it grow.
When You’re Ready to Look a Little Closer
If part of you relates to this — and another part wants to shut it down — that’s not unusual. It’s part of what change looks like. These questions aren’t easy to face, especially when they’ve been with you for a long time. I work with women who want to look at this carefully, at their own pace, and with someone who understands how complex it can be. Let’s talk. Contact me here.
When Your Past Feels Like a Hurdle — But Becomes Your Strength
Discover 7 real advantages you already have in dating after 40.
Grab my free guide: “Dating Over 40? Know Your 7 Secret Advantages.”
