Sex With Your Ex: Why You Need To Think Twice


Breakups happen for a variety of reasons, but that often doesn’t mean that passionate flame you once carried for your ex is gone. You might be tempted to see where those old passions could lead, especially if the sex had been good even if the relationship hadn’t. Last week we discussed whether or not you should respond to your ex’s texts or phone calls. But perhaps you’ve already responded, and now you’re considering taking things back to the bedroom. Before you do, you should take a moment to reflect on whether or not it’s a good idea.

Are you really missing him or are you just lonely? Do you hope that this time it’ll just be casual and no big deal? Although many women think, “I’m a modern woman and should be able to have casual sex without getting attached,” we’re built for attachment. Casual sex might not work for you. Being your own Brand of Sexy means doing what best for you emotionally, not your ex. It’s about taking control of your love life, demanding respect from men, and empowering yourself with the confidence to walk away from those who won’t respect your voice. It also means learning how to take things slow in a relationship, and that includes sex.

Maybe you’ve told yourself that you’ll take things slow with new relationships, but this is an ex. You already know each other, so why go slow? Why not just jump into bed? For the most part, we’re biologically hard-wired to have an emotional response to our partners after sex. This temptation is why it may be a good idea to stay away from your ex! Our bodies release oxytocin when we’re physically intimate, reinforcing those emotional bonds to our partner. Is your ex really someone with whom you want to rekindle those feelings?

Ask yourself these questions before you act:

  1. How will you feel if you have sex and he disappears? This is the time to be honest with yourself so you can protect your heart. Do you really think you’d be able to brush off any feelings of hurt if he never calls again? Read these three questions that every woman needs to ask herself before she even thinks of having sex.
  2. Was it an unhealthy relationship? Maybe he broke your heart. Perhaps there was abuse or he simply treated you poorly, leaving you to feel unhappy and unloved. There is a reason why the relationship ended. Have you taken the time to consider what those reasons are? Read this to see if you might be training men to treat you poorly.
  3. Do you want to revisit the pain of another breakup? If the first go-round was messy, this attempt could end the same way. Perhaps it would it be better to just move on, to bury the hurts and anxieties from the past and move towards your future goals of a better, healthier relationship with a man who will treat you the way you deserve. Have you forgotten how difficult the breakup was? You might want to read this to help you remember.
  4. Do you want to move forward to have a better love life? If you reconnect with your ex, you might undermine all the work you’ve been doing to create a new future for yourself, one with a man who loves and respects you and who honors your voice. Read this to help you move on with your life instead of getting stuck in the past.

Your ex is an ex for a reason. Whatever caused the relationship to fail in the first place will most likely rear its ugly head once more. You may be better off being alone for now than in a situation where you’re reliving old arguments and negative feelings again. A different and better future could remain just out of reach if you keep your focus on your ex instead of moving towards the man of your dreams.

Being your own Brand of Sexy is a way for you to empower yourself and get the relationship you’ve always wanted and on your own terms. My multi-award-winning book Be Your Own Brand of Sexy: A New Sexual Revolution for Women will help you make new, healthier relationship choices that are ideal for you.

Are you subconsciously sabotaging your chances for love and happiness? Take this quiz to find out. Start learning what will work best for you to have the relationship you’ve always wanted. Connect with our growing community of women here, on Facebook and Twitter. Join the new revolution of women who want lasting relationships on their own terms. Be your own Brand of Sexy!

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  • Deanna says:

    Well we will both be 56 this month and he was my first love in 1975, yes he broke my heart and was with another girl back then. But as time went on we started to have sex once in awhile even though he had girl friends I stop did my thing but we still had sex. Got prevent at21 he also was there when my son was born but I screws around with another guy. So as years went I didn’t see each Other for very long time hooked up on face book and seen each Other again. He’s married and so was I. I’m divorced but he isn’t but wife screwed up and no longer lives with him and and there 4 kids.they r all adults now and so r mine I have 3. But we did a DNA and my oldest belongs to him. We still have sex it’s all good but I feel the love when we do have sex but don’t feel it when I’m not with him?I know him very well. We r a lot alike. So what can I do to have a relation ship with him?

    • Hi Deanna, Nice to hear from you. It sounds like a very long, painful, complicated relationship. This is the problem with having sex with your ex. It makes things even more confusing, and this relationship is complex enough without the sex. We’re built for attachment, so when you have sex with him you feel in love. I can’t offer medical advice, but you might want to answer these questions honestly: How do you know the love you feel isn’t just from the sex? If you stopped having sex with him, would that make things less confusing for you? Is your ex really someone who you want a relationship with? Why do you want a relationship with a married man who hasn’t been faithful to you? It can take a lot of courage to take a look at these questions, but they may start to steer you in the best direction for you. Read the guidelines for being your own brand of sexy. Don’t forget you have options and you have a voice in this situation. Please keep us posted.

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