Sarah sighed as she climbed into her car after yet another disappointing date. It had been three years since her divorce, and her love life felt stuck. After tonight’s dinner with Robert, she felt like giving up.
“He talked about his job the entire time,” she muttered to herself as she drove home. “And that cologne! Plus, he’s clearly not over his ex. What a waste of an evening.”
Later that night, she called her best friend, Jen.
“How’d it go?” Jen asked.
“Terrible. He was boring, talked too much about work, and dressed like he was still in the ’90s. I’m deleting all my dating apps tomorrow. I’m done.”
“Hold on,” Jen said. “Tell me one good thing about him.”
Sarah paused. “What do you mean? There wasn’t anything good.”
“There must have been something. What else did you two talk about?”
“Well… he did light up when I mentioned my book club. Said he’d been wanting to join one for years. And he told a few funny stories about his weekend camping trips. He also remembered I work in marketing and asked some really thoughtful questions about it.”
“So maybe he wasn’t a total disaster,” Jen offered. “Maybe you were just focused on the wrong things.”
Sarah realized Jen was right. By focusing on Robert’s flaws, she’d overlooked his warmth, their shared interests, and the effort he put into planning the evening. And this wasn’t just about Robert. She began to recognize a pattern: after each disappointing date, her attention went straight to what was off. That critical reflex had become second nature.
Later that night, the date kept running through her mind. She remembered how Robert had picked the restaurant carefully, made sure there were vegetarian options for her, and recalled details from their earlier conversations. None of that made him a match—but it reminded her that effort still counted. She didn’t need to revise her standards. But she could let herself take in both the positives and negatives.
Two months later, she met David. He wasn’t perfect—a bit shorter than she usually dated, and he got loud when excited. But this time, she noticed his kindness, his sense of humor, and how deeply he listened.
Sarah told Jen, “I’m so glad you stopped me from quitting. I might have missed meeting David.”
When you’re dating after 40, especially after heartbreak, you can easily become expert at spotting what’s wrong with every new man you meet. This protective mechanism makes sense—you don’t want to get hurt again. But it can easily turn into self-sabotage.
When you only see flaws, each date becomes another confirmation that good partners don’t exist. You get burned out. You lose hope. You start to believe all the good ones are taken.
Sarah’s story captures something I see often in my work with women: seeing the pros and cons won’t guarantee a match, but it prevents you from dismissing good men for minor flaws. This is where self-awareness matters—because recognizing your own patterns is the first step toward making different choices
This mindset shift isn’t about ignoring red flags or lowering your standards. It’s about seeing the full picture. There’s a difference between discernment and negativity. Discernment helps you make wise choices. Negativity shuts you down before real connection can happen.
Discernment requires seeing the whole picture, not just the parts that confirm your fears.
Consider how Sarah’s date with Robert might have unfolded differently. If she had balanced awareness of his quirks with appreciation for his positive qualities, she still might have decided he wasn’t right for her. But she could have felt grateful for his effort in planning their evening, appreciated the chance to have more practice with dating, or valued having someone to share her love of books and travel with.
Gratitude doesn’t mean pretending a date was great when it wasn’t. It means appreciating effort, shared moments, small connections—even when it doesn’t lead to a second date. It keeps your heart open enough to recognize real potential when it comes your way.
This shift in perspective matters for two reasons beyond just feeling better about dating.
First, the way you see people affects how they respond to you. When you focus primarily on finding fault, you become less warm, less curious, less engaging. Men sense this energy. When you balance awareness of both strengths and weaknesses, you become more approachable and attractive.
Second, the patterns you fall into while dating can carry into your relationships. The woman who dismisses dates for minor flaws often becomes the partner who nitpicks and criticizes.
The most successful long-term relationships involve two people who see each other clearly – both the wonderful qualities and the annoying ones – but choose to focus more energy on appreciating the good. They’re also grateful for having found each other, even when he becomes distant during stressful periods or takes out his frustrations on her.
Sarah went from being ready to quit dating after focusing only on Robert’s flaws, to staying open enough to give David a real chance because she’d learned to see both strengths and weaknesses.
Your lens determines what you see on every date. Cynicism narrows your focus to what’s wrong. Gratitude expands it to include what’s working.
That expansion might be the difference between finding love and missing it entirely.
The Skills They Never Taught You About Love
Recognizing a good man is just the beginning. Building the kind of deep, lasting relationship you want with the right man requires skills you may never have been taught.
If you want to learn how to turn promising beginnings into lasting love, I work privately with women over 40 to create romantic connections that last. After 35 years of helping women navigate love, I’ve developed the roadmap.
Click here to learn more and schedule your complimentary consultation.
Dating after 40? Your journey so far is your greatest asset.
The experiences that might feel like baggage? They’re actually your secret weapons for finding lasting love.
Discover why in my free guide “Dating Over 40? Know Your 7 Secret Advantages.”
