Emma had an MBA, ran her own business, and gave great advice to her friends about their relationships. But now she was sobbing in her car—humiliated, heartbroken, and confused. Again.
Later, she told her sister, “I feel like an idiot. How did I not see it—again?”
Her ex-boyfriend had been charming at first. He’d sweep her off her feet with grand gestures, then disappear for days. He’d make her feel like the most special woman in the world, then criticize everything she did. When she tried to talk about problems, he’d flip it around and convince her she was crazy for bringing anything up.
“The worst part,” Emma said, “is that this is the third guy like this. They may look different, but it always plays out the same. What’s wrong with me? Why do I keep choosing men who treat me this way?”
Emma’s question haunts many successful, intelligent women. They excel in every other area of life yet find themselves stuck in relationships that drain them. They wonder if they have poor judgment when it comes to relationships, or if there’s something about them that attracts the wrong men.
But Emma’s real problem wasn’t her taste in men. It was something much deeper—something that started long before she ever went on her first date.
The Culture That Sets Us Up to Fail
Society teaches us to chase the wrong qualities. We’re told to look for someone confident, successful, and attractive. Dating apps are built around photos. Social media glorifies wealth and status. We’re taught that finding a “high-value” partner means choosing someone who looks good on paper.
But this focus on surface qualities is risky—because it teaches us to overlook how a man actually treats us, including subtle emotional manipulation in relationships. Some of the most harmful partners check all the boxes. They’re charming, confident, and impressive—exactly what we’ve been told to want.
Meanwhile, qualities like kindness, consistency, and shared values often get dismissed as boring. They’re quieter, less flashy—but they’re what actually make love last.
Why Chaos Feels Like Love
Emma grew up with a father who was either amazing or absent. When he was present, she felt like his princess. When he wasn’t, she wondered what she’d done wrong. Her mother always made excuses for him, teaching Emma that love meant understanding why someone couldn’t be there for you.
This created an emotional injury from inconsistent love—a deep belief that love requires you to work hard for attention and that inconsistency is normal. Emma learned that the highest form of love was earning someone’s affection when it was hard to get. Dating a narcissist recreates this familiar dynamic of having to earn love.
When you’ve been taught that love is inconsistent, your emotional compass—your internal radar for what feels like love—can become miscalibrated.
Stable, consistent partners don’t register as romantic because they don’t match the pattern of love you learned. Instead, they feel boring or friend-like.
Why It Feels So Addictive
Falling for someone activates the same brain pathways as drug addiction. But when love is unpredictable—kind one day, cruel the next—it becomes even more powerful.
It’s like a slot machine: the rewards come at random, so you keep pulling the lever, hoping for that emotional “jackpot.” Even when it hurts, you crave the high of being wanted again.
That’s why people often say, “I know he’s bad for me, but I can’t stop.” It’s not weakness. It’s your brain reacting to inconsistency—mistaking it for intensity, and pulling you back in.
What Your Childhood Taught You About Love
Many women who end up with selfish partners learned their relationship rules in childhood. Maybe they had a parent who only paid attention when they achieved something perfect. Maybe love in their house came with conditions and criticism. Perhaps they learned that their job was to manage other people’s emotions.
These early lessons become the blueprint for adult relationships. Without realizing it, Emma was recreating the familiar dynamics of her childhood—the uncertainty, the need to prove herself worthy of love, the belief that relationships require her to sacrifice her own needs.
When Love Finally Feels Safe
You didn’t choose this pattern on purpose. But you can choose to heal it.
The goal isn’t to become an expert at spotting narcissistic relationship red flags. The real shift is not being drawn to them in the first place. That means becoming someone who naturally attracts and appreciates healthy relationships—because you’ve healed the wounds that made you vulnerable to unhealthy ones.
Real change begins when you notice what healthy love feels like—calm, consistent, respectful. And you learn to value it—rather than mistake drama for depth. This often involves understanding your own patterns and recognizing that anxiety in relationships might be a warning sign, not a spark.
When you truly believe you deserve consistent love and respect, you’ll stop accepting anything less—not because you’re following rules, but because poor treatment just feels wrong.
This kind of shift takes time. Early relationships shape how you experience love, and those patterns run deep. But when you understand what’s behind the pull, you finally get to choose something different—and better.
What If You Could Stop Being Attracted to the Wrong Men—for Good?
You can’t fake attraction.
But you can change what feels magnetic. And when that shifts—everything else does too.
This isn’t about setting better boundaries or spotting red flags.
It’s about rewriting the emotional map that keeps pulling you back to pain.
When love no longer feels like a high-stakes rollercoaster, you’ll know something deep has changed.
I help women uncover the hidden beliefs that make toxic love feel like home—
and gently rewire what they’re drawn to instead.
If you’re ready to stop falling for men who leave you empty—and finally feel what steady, secure love is like—book a free clarity call. Click here.
Dating after 40? Your journey so far is your greatest asset.
The experiences that might feel like baggage? They’re actually your secret weapons for finding lasting love.
Discover why in my free guide “Dating Over 40? Know Your 7 Secret Advantages.”
