Sarah sat in her living room, staring at her phone long after her daughter Karen’s FaceTime call had ended. The knot in her stomach had formed halfway through their conversation, when Karen mentioned canceling her art studio membership because Brad, her new boyfriend, thought they should spend Saturday mornings together at his golf club.
“It makes sense, Mom,” Karen had said. “He works such long hours during the week, and this way we get quality time. Besides, I can always paint at home.” But they both knew painting alone at home wasn’t the same as working in a professional studio, surrounded by other artists, preparing for exhibitions.
The words had hit Sarah like a physical blow, echoing across decades. She’d said almost the exact same thing to her own mother about giving up her book club when she married Michael. Just as she’d rationalized dropping her watercolor classes last month because Robert, her boyfriend of the past year, preferred they have dinner during her class time. Those classes had been more than just a weekly painting session – they’d reignited her passion for art after years away from it.
“But what about your show next month?” Sarah had asked Karen, her voice carefully neutral. “You were so excited about displaying your work.” This wasn’t just a hobby – it was Karen’s first chance to exhibit her art professionally.
“Oh, well…” Karen had looked away from the screen. “Brad has a corporate event that weekend. He really wants me there – it’s important for his career. I’ll have other opportunities to show my work.”
Sarah had felt the blood drain from her face, remembering all the times she’d said those exact words during her twenty-three years with Michael. And then with Tom. And now with Robert.
She looked down at the text that had just come in from Robert: “Changed dinner to 7 tomorrow. Board meeting running late.” No question about whether she could make it. No acknowledgment that they’d had plans for tonight. Just like Michael. Just like the man her daughter was becoming more and more accommodating to with each passing week.
The realization hit her with stunning clarity: Karen was watching her mother’s life and learning from it. Every time Sarah adjusted her schedule to fit Robert’s, every time she smiled and accepted last-minute changes without comment, every time she set aside her own interests to orbit his – she was teaching her daughter to put herself second to her partner’s desires.
How Relationship Patterns Take Root
Breaking toxic relationship patterns and overcoming repeated heartbreak starts with an uncomfortable question: Are you naturally drawn to certain types of partners, or have you developed habits that shape how your relationships unfold? The answer often lies somewhere in the murky middle.
Sarah’s story shows this complexity. With Michael, Tom, and now Robert – three different men – she found herself putting their preferences first and giving up her own activities. Is she choosing partners who expect this, or is she the one who starts modifying her life without them asking? It’s hard to untangle the two.
When you enter a new relationship after a long marriage, something fascinating happens: you might find yourself drawn to partners who remind you of your ex – not in looks or personality, but in how the relationship feels strangely familiar. The dynamic feels known, comfortable even in its discomfort.
Even with different partners, how you handle relationships can lead to similar situations. Your responses – like Sarah adjusting her schedule or giving up activities – can create familiar patterns.
The Generational Impact
These patterns can ripple through generations. Mothers unknowingly model relationship behaviors for their daughters, passing down unspoken rules about love and partnership. What seems like natural relationship dynamics to one generation becomes the template for the next.
Why Change Is So Hard
It’s painful to question long-held beliefs about ourselves. When Sarah saw her daughter give up art, she had to face a truth she’d been avoiding about her own choices: that repeatedly stopping activities she valued – her watercolor classes with Robert, her book club with Michael – was hurting her. She had convinced herself this was just being supportive and flexible, but watching her daughter made her realize how much she had lost by always putting her needs last in her relationships.
Recognizing these painful truths about our relationships isn’t easy. It means admitting to ourselves that choices we thought were right at the time might have been harmful to us. It means facing the possibility that we’ve played a part in our own unhappiness.
The Path to Change
Real transformation can begin when you see your patterns clearly. For Sarah, seeing her daughter give up art was her wake-up call. You might recognize it when you realize you’ve had the same relationship with different partners. Recognizing your pattern opens the possibility for change.
Understanding your patterns means looking at both parts of the equation: the partners you choose and how you act in relationships. Each can influence the other. You might be drawn to certain types of partners, but how you respond – like Sarah automatically giving up her watercolor classes, just as she’d given up her book club years before – shapes what happens next.
Sometimes what seems like “just being flexible” might actually be an unrecognized fear of conflict. Without even realizing it, you might find it easier to give up an activity than to have a conversation about what you want. Setting boundaries in relationships can feel uncomfortable when you’re used to adapting. The possibility of tension or disappointment can influence your choices in ways you don’t even notice.
This understanding gives you choices you didn’t have before. Instead of automatically following old patterns, you can pause and consider: Is this what you want? Is there a way to have both – a meaningful relationship and the activities that matter to you?
Ready to Change Your Relationship Patterns?
Do you find yourself putting aside the things that define you – your interests, opinions, and priorities – in relationship after relationship? Have you wondered why this keeps happening? I help women understand and change these patterns.
Through our work together, you’ll:
-Understand why you repeatedly compromise what matters most to you
-Learn to maintain your identity and interests while being in a relationship
-See how patterns from past relationships influence your current ones
-Recognize these patterns early in new relationships
Your next relationship doesn’t have to be like your last ones. Find love without losing what makes you you.
Ready to explore what’s possible?
