Should I Lower My Standards to Find Love? 4 Tips to Guide You


When you feel ready to find love, meeting a lot of Mr. Wrongs while you’re  looking for Mr. Right can be a painful experience. It can seem like it’s taking forever to find that special someone. While time continues to fly by, do you ever worry that your standards are too high for a relationship? You may find yourself asking these types of questions:

Will he ever come along?

Am I not attractive enough?

Am I too picky?

Looking for the right man can be discouraging. And the pool of eligible men feels like it’s shrinking as women get older. It can seem like time is an unbeatable enemy when it comes to finding love. While the situation may be difficult, it’s not hopeless. There are good men out there who want a relationship with someone like you.

A lot of women worry that the problem is their looks. Our cultural obsession with unrealistic and unattainable beauty ideals leaves many women feeling insecure about their appearance. But your looks don’t matter as much as the media would have you believe. There is a lid for every pot. Most men aren’t looking for supermodels and women who look like celebrities. It’s possible for you to find men who are attracted to you.

If that’s the case, then why is your quest for love and companionship taking so long?

It takes time to find the right person.

Here are 3 tips that can help you to resolve the complicated issue of whether you should lower your standards to find love:

1-  It’s OK to be selective.

There’s nothing wrong with being selective about who you choose to settle down with and share your life. You need to have shared values and compatibility for a long-term relationship to be satisfying and successful. If your values are too different, or your communication styles don’t align well, your relationship will be rocky and probably won’t last. How can you have a successful relationship without respect, honesty, and trustworthiness? For these things, it makes sense to be a woman with high standards.

2-  Finding love is more organic than a checklist

Consider relaxing some of the rigid standards in dating you might have. Dr. Paul Eastwick has studied how much our preferences of traits in a potential partner match up with who we get into relationships with. His research found that your preferences often have little to do with whether or not you like your potential match. He says, “it ends up being very challenging to find somebody that’s a unique or especially good fit for you based on this kind of information.” His advice: “get out there and kiss a lot of frogs.” It makes sense, right? Kind, funny, and trustworthy applies to a lot of men but doesn’t describe the chemistry between two people. That must be experienced to know if it can work.

3-  Be realistic.

This online dating study found that most women and men who date online pursue partners that they deem 25% more desirable than themselves. It’s okay to try and aim for a more desirable partner to find out where you stand in terms of desirability. But, if you want to settle down, you might want to consider if you are being are realistic. Ask yourself, “Is this one of the signs that my standards are too high?”

It’s possible that you can attract a higher-level man, but you’ll need to work on yourself to become a higher-level partner. Or you may need to make compromises in another area, like the quality of your relationship.

Are you willing to do that? Or do you need to choose someone who is more on your current level?

This year, Match’s Single in America survey says 83% of singles prefer emotional maturity over physical attractiveness in a partner. Emotional maturity makes a much bigger difference than good looks in the ultimate success of your relationship.

If relaxing any of your standards feels impossible, you might want to consider the possibility that you’re attracted to unavailable men. Is it possible that you might have a fear of intimacy?

4-  Be honest with yourself

You have to be clear about what you’re looking for to avoid being swayed by others. Your friends and family might suggest that you get into a relationship just for companionship or comfort, but they might just worry about you being lonely. Only you know what is right for you. Keep in mind that settling for a short-term relationship isn’t a good choice if that’s not something you want. If you get into a short-term fling, you’re getting taken off the market for meeting men that are long-term relationship material. If that’s your goal, then settling for a short-lived relationship is going to distract you from meeting Mr. Right and settling down.

If you’re clear about your non-negotiables, you’ll have an easier time of recognizing Mr. Right when he finally shows up. Sometimes, being choosey or having standards means that you know what you want in a relationship. That might also mean that it will take longer for you to meet the right person. You’ve raised the bar, which means a lot of men won’t be able to meet it. That’s okay if your standards are related to compatibility and shared values.

When you want something badly, it can seem like it’s taking longer to obtain it than if you didn’t desire it so much. When it comes to finding love, it can seem like it’s taking way too long. But, if your standards are healthy and reasonable, don’t lower them just to beat the clock. For long-term relationship success, you want to meet the right person for you.

Do you wonder whether your list of requirements and standards are realistic? Perhaps we can help clear some things up for you. Please let us know in the comments what you’re struggling with. Or feel free to share your dating successes! We love to hear from readers like you.

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