It can be daunting to think about dating or forming a new relationship if you’re struggling with low self-esteem. Because of this, you might resort to settling for someone who doesn’t meet your ideals or worse, avoid dating altogether.
If you don’t feel worthy of love, how are you going to find a partner who will love you? For the next few weeks, we’ll discuss some causes of self-esteem issues, how they affect our relationships, and what steps to take to learn how to ignore the pressures media and others place on you so that you can be your own Brand of Sexy.
What even is sexy?
Being your own Brand of Sexy isn’t about wearing a certain pair of heels, having a specific BMI, or keeping your wardrobe up with the latest trends. It’s a new sexual revolution where women are learning to listen to themselves and to what they want out of relationships. It’s listening to your voice and expecting more from men.
Now’s the time for a new sexual revolution. The old one didn’t quite turn out the way women hoped. We never imagined any drawbacks to sexual freedom. We threw out traditional rules as if they had no value and then failed to replace them with a new roadmap to guide us. So many of us are confused about which direction to go or how to even view ourselves.
Do you compare yourself with other women and come up short? Perhaps you have worried that you aren’t attractive enough. Or maybe you feel so bad about how you look that you’ve considered spending a lot of money to solve your “problem.” Women have always been valued for our physical traits, and it seems not much has changed. Hyper-sexualized images are everywhere we turn, pressuring women to be sexy 24/7. And a very narrow viewpoint is being delivered on what is sexy.
So many women have pinned their ability to feel confident and happy on how beautiful they think they are. They believe that being “sexy” is all about looks. This is an incredibly harmful myth. It gets in the way of finding love, it destroys confidence, and it even causes women to spend millions of dollars—almost $11 billion a year—on unnecessary beauty products and plastic surgery procedures.
Why are we so unhappy with the way we look?
First, as we all know, sex sells. We’re constantly bombarded by images that objectify women. This sends the message that our value comes from our sexual appeal and behavior, which is damaging. The more exposed we are to these images, the more desensitized we become. That makes it harder to draw the line between wanting to look our best and thinking, “If I don’t look sexy, there’s something wrong with me.”
Plus, with dating apps taking “instant intimacy” to a whole new level, the pressure only increases for women to meet a selective “ideal” image. These apps encourage men and women to judge each other’s photographs with the swipe of a finger, effectively and instantly deciding whether or not someone is attractive enough to sleep with. Women often feel pressured to look like a supermodel just to get a date. By focusing on looks, we ignore the importance of learning about the valuable traits we’d like in potential partners—are they kind? Abusive? Immature? How can women cope let alone thrive in this harsh dating environment when a person’s desires have been forced into an instant “hot or not” image selection?
“But I like it when men find me sexy.”
Of course it feels good to know that a man finds you sexually desirable. It’s exciting to know that a man you’re interested in also wants you, but that kind of desire might just be about him getting sex quickly without having to put any work into getting to know you. If he disappears in the morning, not only will you have lost that feeling of being desired, but you might feel taken for granted. Fast sex is often a disaster for romance. It’s a fleeting moment of desire, one that can come crashing down around you after he gets what he wants and vanishes.
While casual sex may work for some, other women might need to protect themselves by slowing down and asking themselves if the relationship has potential… or if it’s just going to blow up in their faces. We often jump into intimacy too quickly, and before we’ve had a chance to learn if this guy is even trustworthy. When we jump in too quickly, many times we’re left frustrated, heartbroken, or maybe even confused as to how we got attached in the first place.
Let’s redefine what is sexy!
The truth is that we don’t have to conform to one ideal of beauty in order to be beautiful—you can be your own Brand of Sexy. True sexiness is all about confidence, self-acceptance, and qualities like integrity, kindness, intelligence, and humor. If we get breast implants, we may still be left with lingering insecurities about some other facet of our appearance. And even if we are satisfied in the short term, who’s to say we won’t want to “fix” something down the road? The kind of happiness that we gain when we learn to love ourselves just as we are is deep and long lasting. Even better, that happiness is attractive to men.
Confidence is sexy. Joy is sexy. You are sexy. If you’re shaking your head, be sure to follow this series of posts so you can learn all the wonderful things about you that are your own Brand of Sexy. You can also read a free excerpt of my award-winning book, Be Your Own Brand of Sexy: A New Sexual Revolution For Women. Take this quiz to find out if you’ve been subconsciously sabotaging your own chances for happiness in love and in life.
Join the revolution of women who are learning how to be and love themselves, who are getting the relationships in life they want, including what they want from men.