They’re on their third date, having dinner. The conversation is good – until he brings up his ex-wife. What starts as a brief mention becomes a long explanation of their marriage, the divorce, what went wrong, how she changed over the years.
She listens. She nods. She waits for him to finish. She feels herself pulling away.
She feels drained. She doesn’t want to hear about his ex-wife. This isn’t what a third date should feel like. But she doesn’t redirect the conversation. She doesn’t excuse herself to go to the bathroom. She doesn’t ask him a question about something else. She just sits there, being understanding, being patient, being the kind of woman who listens.
Eventually he stops talking about his marriage and asks about her work. They finish dinner. The date ends. It was fine overall.
Driving home, she keeps thinking about those ten minutes. Not because talking about an ex is terrible – everyone has a past, and she knows divorce is complicated. But because she sat there listening to something she didn’t want to hear, and it never occurred to her to do anything about it. She could have changed the subject. She could have said something light like “That sounds hard – but let’s talk about something more fun.” She didn’t.
She knew she didn’t want to hear it. But she kept listening anyway. That’s what bothered her most.
Why Emotional Clarity Matters When Dating After 40
She sat through a conversation she didn’t like. She could have changed the subject, but she didn’t. And that matters more than it might seem.
If she’s not thinking about what’s best for her on a third date, what happens later? How will she shape what kind of relationship they build? Instead of acting like a partner with her own needs and identity, will she go along with what he wants without thinking about what’s best for her?
The Difference Between Taking Care of Others and Taking Care of Yourself
Accomplished women are often quite skilled at being attentive to others. You listen well. You’re thoughtful about how people feel.
But taking care of yourself emotionally is a completely different skill set. And for many women, it’s genuinely difficult.
It’s not just about being aware of what you need – she knew she didn’t want to hear about his ex-wife. It’s about believing that what you want matters enough to act on it. It’s about overcoming the fear of making things awkward or rocking the boat. It’s about actually doing something – changing the subject, saying no, redirecting.
That’s a lot of steps. And many women get stuck somewhere in that process.
It can be as simple as changing the subject when you don’t like where a conversation is going. It’s a subtle way of saying no.
And when you can say no – even in small ways – you discover things about him. Does he notice? Is he attentive to you? Can he pick up on your cues?
When she sits through that conversation without redirecting it, she doesn’t find out any of that. She’s not discovering whether he’s someone who pays attention to her, whether he’s responsive, whether he can sense when she’s not engaged.
Without taking care of yourself in these small moments, how do you figure out if a man is right for you? How do you build a relationship where you get what you want?
When Doing Nothing Shifts the Relationship Balance
At that dinner, when she didn’t change the subject, he got what he wanted. She didn’t.
If this happens once, it’s just a dinner. But when it becomes a pattern where he says what he wants and she doesn’t, his needs shape the relationship.
Over time, the relationship gets shaped by what he wants, what he’s comfortable with, what works for him. His preferences are the ones guiding things. Hers aren’t.
That’s how an imbalance develops. One person’s needs consistently get met and the other person’s don’t. And when you’re not getting what you need from a relationship, it’s hard to be happy in it.
Maintaining Your Identity in a Relationship
If you’re not taking care of yourself while dating – like sitting through that conversation about his ex – that same pattern can continue in a relationship.
Once you’re in a relationship, your life naturally changes. You spend more time together. You make room for each other. That’s normal. But the question is whether you’re thinking about what works for you when you make those choices.
Are you always the one adjusting your schedule? Always accommodating his preferences? That’s a sign you’re not considering what’s best for you.
Taking care of yourself means staying connected to what matters to you. Your friendships. Your interests. Your routines. When you make choices about how to spend your time, you’re thinking about yourself too, not just him.
This isn’t simple. Figuring out how much to adjust and how much to hold onto yourself is complicated. Many women struggle with this balance. You might be unhappy in a relationship for many reasons. But when you’ve given up most of what brought you satisfaction outside the relationship, it becomes harder to figure out what’s causing the unhappiness. Is it him? Is it the relationship? Or is it that you’ve lost touch with the things that made you feel like yourself?
Maintaining your own life isn’t about being rigid or refusing to compromise. It’s about making sure you’re still part of the equation.
The Moments That Matter Don’t Announce Themselves
Sitting through something you didn’t want to hear and saying nothing may not seem important. But it’s one of many turning points that decide what a relationship becomes.
If the relationships you’ve had weren’t built around what mattered to you, these moments are why.
And they’re also where that can change.
I help women express themselves in ways that are subtle when they need to be, unmistakable when it counts.
If you’re serious about handling these moments differently, get in touch.
