Where have all the good men gone?
It’s one of the most common questions I am asked.
Women tell me that they don’t meet good guys that are interested in them, even though they have already tried online dating, blind dates, and more. The men they meet end up being narcissists and players, guys looking for sugar mommas or just no-strings-attached sex and fun. The few times they thought they might have met a good guy, he seemed to lose interest or take them for granted after a short period of time.
What went wrong in these situations?
Believe it or not, there are plenty of good guys around. It might be hard for you to see what you might be doing to contribute to having these disappointing experiences with your dates, but you’ve made very important progress when you can. Changing your approach to dating can make a tremendous difference in the quality of men that you meet and ultimately date. To start changing your approach, you can begin prioritizing your needs and giving your date a reason to put some effort into the courting process. Making changes like these can also help to prevent men from losing interest or taking you for granted.
So, what can you do to improve the chances of meeting quality men in your life?
Trying Too Hard Can Sabotage Your Love Life
Above all, it’s very important for you to be honest with yourself about how you might be contributing to your situation. The dating process can be very emotional and your feelings might be leading you to do things that are not working in your favor.
Let’s look at how Tiffany might have sabotaged her online dating experience:
Tiffany was delighted to sign up for online dating and got a number of responses to her profile in the first week. She emailed, texted, and met a number of them, and was soon worn out from all the time she was spending on a dating process that still hadn’t led to a man who was really into her. As she soon discovered from our work together, the problem was that she wasn’t really being her own Brand of Sexy.
She worried about being rude or unapproachable, so she quickly responded to potential dates by text, email or with a face to face meeting. She never stopped to screen the men to figure out whether they were nice guys who were actually interested in her or not. Even when she was on a date, she tended to do most of the talking so that he wouldn’t feel uncomfortable. She ended up revealing a lot about herself without learning much about him. By catering to her dates and not being choosey about who she gave her time and energy to, Tiffany was more likely to please her dates than to find Mr. Right or even figure out what would work best for her.
In the end, Tiffany’s approach put the comfort of her dates above her own desires and wellbeing. Although Tiffany thought she was just being considerate and friendly by responding to these men quickly, being so open and responsive might have led them to think she was desperate for a date and would give anyone a shot. When men don’t feel like you are being choosy or demanding good treatment, they too often start to take you for granted.
By talking so much during her dates and revealing a great deal about herself, Tiffany was putting herself at an even further disadvantage. Rather than holding back a little to find out if he was a nice guy before sharing, she was an open book that made it so he didn’t have to work to get to know her or have her attention at all. Both of these moves were contributing to her difficulty in finding a good guy.
Slow Can Be Sexy
It’s human nature – we all value the things that come with hard work and effort more than something we get for free. When you open up slowly and gradually, your date will feel like his efforts are responsible for getting you to open up, and he’ll be much more likely to appreciate you and the results of “his” hard work. Remember, the third guideline to being your own Brand of Sexy is: Slow Can Be Sexy.
What does it mean that slow can be sexy?
It means that attraction can intensify over time when you slowly get to know someone. In the old days, women were told to “play hard to get,” but that missed the point. Pretending isn’t very effective. You need to figure out what you want, what works for you as an individual, and what approaches will help you achieve your relationship goals, whatever they may be. In other words, you need to learn to be your own Brand of Sexy.
When you know what works for you, you can be selective in your choices and more careful about screening men before sharing a lot about yourself and needlessly investing your energy. You might have fewer dates, but you won’t be spending your time with men who aren’t that into you. You’ll begin to find it much easier to avoid dating the arrogant guys and the “sugar babies”. Knowing how to flirt and what to say on a date will become much more natural for you as you make steady progress towards your dating goals as well.
Then, you can set your dating standards according to what you have chosen. This isn’t about playing any games – you’re standing up for your needs.
That’s what being your own Brand of Sexy is all about.