The Top 3 Secrets to Successful Online Dating


In my series about online dating sites and their potential benefits so far, I have told you how important it is for your dating success to start getting some practice seeing men in addition to how you can get this dating practice right now. This week we’re going to take the discussion about online dating sites a step further by talking about how to get the most out of online dating. Keep reading to learn how you can use the top three secrets to online dating success to turn your love life around starting today.

Secret #1: Let Them Come to You

First you must realize that, while many online dating sites will tell you that you should be initiating conversations with men online, that is frequently a big waste of your time. If he’s not attracted to you enough to reach out himself, his feelings are not likely to develop as he gets to know you better (unlike with so many women who gradually get more attracted to the men they date). Even more, most online dating sites mistakenly lead you to believe that a man is genuinely interested in you if he “winks”, “flirts”, makes you his “favorite” or does some other one-click e-gesture. But this just isn’t true – these little signs mean nothing in themselves.  This is the sort of flattery that can be misleading.

It’s simple – if a man can’t take the time to write you a really nice email, then there isn’t any serious interest on his part. Remember what we’re going for with men: top treatment! A man who sends you only a “wink” was either too lazy to write you even a few sentences or not interested enough to bother to write you an email. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t feel flattered that they found something about you that was appealing enough to send a thumbs-up for or that you shouldn’t check out their profile. But beyond that, ignore them. In the end, if they are really interested they will take the few minutes to write you a really nice email and properly introduce themselves.

Secret #2: Be Picky

Your first layer of protection against getting hurt on online dating sites is to not take every guy who reaches out seriously. The second one is not to meet every man who writes you and asks you to meet, even if he did take the time to write a message. Be picky! Did he write you a thoughtful email? Does his profile look like he’s a nice guy? While no one’s profile will give you a 360-degree view of who you are dealing with, you can watch out for some red flags that are pretty good indicators of a guy you don’t want to date.

Do his pictures show him without a shirt or with other women? Does he talk about sensuality or sex in his profile? If he’s leading with sex in his profile, there’s a good chance he is using online dating sites just to look for sex from you and every other woman on the site, even if he claims to be interested in something more serious. Do you see any other red flags in his profile? Be honest with yourself. If you have doubts, there’s no need to take the risk when there are so many men available to date.

Secret #3: Skip the Scammers

Another problem area of online dating sites is the men who want to be pen pals endlessly. I know there are some women who have had success with this approach, but unless you want to spend years writing someone who may not even exist, you’re probably better off dropping any guy who doesn’t want to meet you after you’ve exchanged emails a few times. Thirty percent of people on online dating sites never end up going on a date with anyone they chat with online.

If they aren’t ready for real dating, don’t waste your time waiting for them. This will help to protect you from scammers too – those men who completely misrepresent who they are, sometimes in an attempt to get money or other valuables from you. These guys may have really attractive photos and say all kinds of lovey-dovey things to you, but if they don’t want to meet you after a few email or phone exchanges, know that you may be wasting your time or maybe even walking into a trap.

Why Online Dating Sites Are So Useful to Women

Learning how to screen men can be a big confidence booster because it helps you recognize the power you have. When you begin to use online dating sites, men who find you attractive will start writing you, and you’ll have the power to pick and choose who you want to meet. You’ll have the choices and make the decisions, too. If the men you initially meet online aren’t what you’re looking for, don’t get too discouraged. You want to get used to enjoying the process of dating, of getting to know and to appreciate a nice man. Maybe you’ll learn something to help you get better at screening men so that you stop wasting your time on guys who aren’t what you are looking for. If the date is bad, at least you’ll have entertaining stories to tell your friends anyway!

Get your online dating profile set up now. You’re going to want to find some men to practice being your own Brand of Sexy on! I’m putting the finishing touches on my brand new course, 5 Simple Steps to Being Your Own Brand of Sexy, and it’s coming out very soon. Look for an email if you receive my weekly newsletter or sign up here now so that we can let you know as soon as it’s ready to go.

And as always, please continue to reach out with any questions or comments you have about online dating. I’ll personally answer them in the comments section or in an upcoming video!

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  • Emma says:

    I’ve done all this. I’ve been picky on online dating and demanded the top treatment you say we all deserve. I’m now 44 and single, and seen all my friends marry great guys.

    I now regret being so picky and thinking no man is good enough. The truth is these great guys you say we all deserve are the top 10% and they mostly date and marry stunningly beautiful women. You don’t mention this, that we’re not the only woman they can pick, there’s plenty of other women for them to choose from. You’re selling us a lie that all the top single men should be grovelling for me like they don’t have other options.

    • Dr. Susan says:

      Hi Emma,

      How nice to hear from you. Sorry for the delay in responding.

      I think there might be a misunderstanding about what we are talking about when we say a great guy.

      I’m not encouraging a mindset where “no man is good enough.” I’m not sure who you are talking about in terms of the “top 10%” of the guys out there. Are you saying that only 10% of single men are good guys? I think there are more than that. I wonder if you are using a different set of criteria. Please help me understand who you consider the top 10% to be, the ones who want only “stunningly beautiful” women.

      I am suggesting that women insist on being treated well by men. By that I mean, expecting respect from them. What kind of top treatment are you talking about? When you expect respect, you weed out the guys who aren’t nice and who aren’t into you. I am not sure if they meet who you consider to be the “top 10%,” but they are much more likely to make a good partner.


      Dr. Susan

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