Laura had been seeing Daniel for almost two months when he called her Sunday evening.
They had gone to dinner Friday night. Afterward, they went back to her house and opened a bottle of wine.
“Hi,” she said.
“Hi. Do you have a minute?”
He sounded more serious than usual.
“Sure.”
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
Laura sat down.
“Why not?”
“There’s someone else.”
Laura didn’t answer.
“I’ve been seeing another woman.”
“For how long?”
“About six weeks.”
“Six weeks? So almost the whole time we’ve been seeing each other.”
“Yes.”
“Are you sleeping with her?”
“Yes.”
“You’ve been sleeping with both of us?”
“Yes.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I didn’t think we were exclusive.”
“What do you mean?”
“We never talked about only seeing each other.”
“It never occurred to me that we had to.”
“Did you think I was seeing other men?”
“I thought you might be.”
“And that was okay with you?”
“I wouldn’t say I wanted you to. But we hadn’t decided to be exclusive.”
Laura got up and walked toward the window.
“I haven’t dated anyone seriously since my divorce.”
“I know.”
“Maybe this is something I don’t understand.”
“What?”
“If I’m seeing a man regularly and sleeping with him, I assume he’s not sleeping with someone else.”
“I don’t assume that.”
“You really wouldn’t have been upset if you’d found out I was sleeping with another man?”
“I probably would have been upset.”
“But you wouldn’t have thought I’d done anything wrong.”
“No.”
“I think what you did was wrong.”
“Why?”
“Because you were sleeping with someone else and you didn’t tell me.”
“We never said we weren’t going to see other people.”
“That’s the part I don’t understand. Why would we have to say it?”
“Because otherwise, how would either of us know?”
“Did you see her yesterday?”
“Yes.”
“And that’s when you decided?”
“Yes.”
“So, when we had dinner Friday, you were still seeing both of us.”
“Yes.”
Laura sat down again.
“If I’d known you were sleeping with someone else, I never would have slept with you.”
“I didn’t know you felt that way.”
“How could you? You didn’t tell me there was someone else.”
“You could have asked if I was seeing anyone else.”
“Why would I ask?”
“Because we never said we were exclusive.”
“I thought we were.”
“I didn’t.”
“And you really don’t think you should have told me?”
“No. I think if you needed to know whether I was seeing anyone else, you should have asked me.”
Laura looked down at the phone.
“I didn’t ask because I thought I already knew.”
When Does Dating Become Exclusive?
Was Daniel wrong?
Daniel believed he was free to date and sleep with other women until he and Laura agreed to be exclusive.
Laura believed that once they started sleeping together, they were exclusive.
Neither one brought it up.
Daniel was still deciding between two women. Laura believed he had already chosen her.
Laura felt safer letting Daniel become more important to her because she believed he was seeing only her.
And Laura had slept with Daniel believing he wasn’t sleeping with anyone else.
If she had known about the other woman, she wouldn’t have slept with him.
Daniel believed it was Laura’s responsibility to ask. Laura believed it was Daniel’s responsibility to tell her.
Who was responsible for bringing up information that would have changed what Laura was willing to do?
Daniel believed that because he was free to sleep with another woman, he was also free to keep it to himself.
Laura saw it differently. If he was sleeping with someone else, she wanted to know before she decided whether to sleep with him.
From Daniel’s point of view, Laura had the same freedom he did. She could have been seeing and sleeping with other men, and he accepted that possibility.
The difference was that Daniel knew he was sleeping with another woman. Laura could only know if he told her or she thought to ask.
To Laura, that put the responsibility on Daniel. He had information that could have changed what she was willing to do.
What Happens When You Assume You’re Exclusive?
But how was Daniel supposed to know that Laura saw sex as a sign that they were exclusive?
He couldn’t. But he knew Laura was sleeping with him without knowing he was also sleeping with someone else.
Daniel had all the information he needed to choose what he wanted to do. Laura didn’t.
Daniel chose to sleep with both women. Laura never had the information she needed to decide whether she was willing to have sex with Daniel knowing he had another sexual partner and might be putting her at risk for a sexually transmitted infection.
Daniel’s position was that Laura could have asked. But what would have prompted her to ask when she thought she already knew the answer?
He couldn’t read Laura’s mind. But Laura couldn’t read his either.
The difference was that Daniel didn’t need to guess. He knew there was another woman.
Was it enough for Daniel to wait for Laura to ask? Or did knowing something that could have changed what Laura was willing to do give him a responsibility to tell her? Would your answer be different if Laura had been the one sleeping with someone else and Daniel didn’t know?
When Your Best Choice Isn’t Obvious
A conversation about exclusivity can be critical before a relationship becomes more intimate. But knowing how and when to have that conversation isn’t always as simple as it sounds.
Romantic intelligence helps you anticipate where your actions may lead, which can help you make better choices.
If you’d like to know how greater romantic intelligence could help you find and create the relationship you want, I invite you to schedule a private, complimentary consultation with me.
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