“You had lunch with Melissa?” Caroline asked.
“Yes.”
“Your ex-girlfriend?”
“Yes. We get together every few months.”
“We’ve been dating for five months. I didn’t realize you still saw her.”
“We’ve stayed friends.”
“After six years together?”
“We broke up three years ago, Caroline.”
“I know. I’m not accusing you of anything. I’m just surprised you never mentioned it.”
“I didn’t think it was something I needed to mention.”
“Does she know about me?”
“Of course.”
“What have you told her?”
“That I’m seeing someone I really like.”
“Does she have a boyfriend?”
“Not that I know of.”
“Do you think she still has feelings for you?”
“I have no reason to think so.”
“Do you still have feelings for her?”
“Not romantic ones. But I enjoy her company. We were important to each other for a long time. That doesn’t just disappear.”
“I understand that. But don’t you think it’s a little strange to keep having lunch with someone you used to sleep with?”
“Not really. That part of our relationship ended years ago.”
“Would you feel the same way if I were having lunch with an old boyfriend?”
“I wouldn’t have a problem with it.”
“Really?”
“Why would I?”
“Because we were once in love.”
“But you’re not anymore.”
“How would you know?”
“I’d trust you to tell me.”
“And you’re expecting me to trust you?”
“Yes.”
“Even though I didn’t know you were seeing her?”
“I wasn’t keeping it a secret.”
“You didn’t tell me.”
“Because to me, she’s a friend. That’s how I think of her now.”
“But she wasn’t always just a friend.”
“No. She wasn’t.”
“Well, it matters to me.”
“Are you asking me to stop seeing her?”
“I haven’t decided what I’m asking.”
“Then what do you want me to do?”
“I want you to understand why this bothers me.”
“I’m trying. But I don’t understand what I’ve done wrong.”
“Maybe you haven’t.”
“Then what’s the problem?”
“That you don’t see why I’d have questions.”
Caroline’s boyfriend, Daniel, believes his romance with Melissa belongs to the past. Caroline wonders whether six years of love and intimacy can ever become an ordinary friendship. But Caroline can’t know exactly what the friendship means to him, and neither of them knows for certain how Melissa feels.
Does the fact that he never mentioned Melissa suggest he hasn’t fully considered Caroline’s feelings? Or has the friendship become so ordinary to him that he saw no reason to bring it up, even after five months of dating?
Is Caroline recognizing something important about the emotional ties that can remain between former lovers? Or is she assigning romantic significance to a friendship that no longer has any?
Having lunch with an ex doesn’t prove that romantic feelings remain. But calling someone a friend doesn’t necessarily mean those feelings have disappeared, either.
Different Ways of Staying Friends With an Ex
Daniel considers Melissa a friend. But what does that friendship involve?
Two former lovers may enjoy an occasional lunch, exchange news about their lives, and have little contact in between. Their romantic relationship may have ended without destroying the affection and respect they developed over the years.
But other exes may remain much more emotionally involved. They may confide in each other about personal problems, seek each other’s advice on important decisions, or turn to each other for comfort when something goes wrong. Even years after a breakup, people may not realize how emotionally attached they still are to an ex.
How often former partners see each other doesn’t necessarily tell you how close they remain. Someone they see only occasionally may still be the person they trust with their most private concerns.
And the feelings may not be the same on both sides. One person may have moved on romantically while the other still hopes they might eventually get back together.
If Melissa still hopes to get back together with Daniel, she may interpret his friendliness as a sign that he feels the same way. He may have no idea she still has romantic feelings for him.
Caroline wants to understand how close Daniel and Melissa still are and whether their friendship could complicate the relationship she’s building with him.
If Caroline had learned about Melissa sooner, she could have decided whether to continue dating him before becoming attached. Five months later, she may find it harder to walk away, even if she’s uncomfortable with their friendship. If the friendship is as ordinary as he believes, bringing Melissa up early might have made her seem more significant than she is.
Asking a Man to Give Up a Friendship With His Ex
Caroline may eventually decide that she doesn’t want Daniel to continue seeing Melissa. But how much influence can she reasonably expect to have over his friendships?
If Caroline asks him to stop seeing Melissa, she’d be asking him to give up a friendship with someone who’s been important in his life for years. He may consider that an unreasonable request, especially if he believes his friendship with Melissa poses no threat to their relationship.
If he refuses, Caroline may wonder whether his friendship with Melissa is more important to him than their relationship.
He thinks he’s simply asking Caroline to trust him. Just as she may want him to give up a friendship he values, he may be asking her to accept his friendship with Melissa.
Each may want the other to make a sacrifice for their relationship. But how much is each willing to give up to keep it?
Drawing the Line With a Man You’re Dating
Part of building the lasting relationship you want is knowing when to stand your ground and when you might want to compromise.
How can you tell when a compromise could strengthen your relationship, and when you’re giving up too much?
How you and a man handle the competing needs and wishes that inevitably arise between you can determine the future of your relationship. Lasting love depends on it. A complimentary consultation is an opportunity to talk about how you approach it in your own romantic life, and for us to get to know each other.
Contact me here to find out more.
