There’s a huge difference between holding your potential mates to a high standard and being too picky. If you aren’t meeting anyone interesting, you can torture yourself with the idea that your pickiness is the problem. Keep in mind, that experiencing a dry spell here and there, is normal and doesn’t always mean you’re being too picky. On the other hand, there are situations where you can be too selective, and it isn’t just a lack of options.
Of course, you deserve to get the relationship you want. Sometimes it can take a while to meet your match. If you are over 40 and much more successful than the average person, you may not find your match right away. Having said that, if you feel like you’re settling if you don’t find instant chemistry, movie star looks, a hilarious sense of humor, passionate sex, and a successful career, your standards may be a little unreasonable.
Having standards means not settling for less than what you need to make a relationship really work for you. Being too picky is more like expecting perfection rather than a partner. You don’t want to be so selective that you reject 99% of all men from ever having a chance with you.
Here are the signs that you are too picky:
Sign #1 You are too picky: You turn down a second date if he’s not an instant hit.
When you chalk up a man to being “not your type” after the first date, do you have a good reason why? Is he a little nervous or doesn’t look exactly like your dream man? That’s a problem. Men can be nervous when they like you, especially the first time they meet you. When there is even a little potential, there is no reason you should say “no” to date 2. After two failed dates, you can get a better sense of whether or not this is a dead end or if you just got off on the wrong foot.
Sign #2 You are too picky: You aren’t attracted to the men who pursue you.
You like the men who can’t commit. They are still hung up on their ex or they are too self-centered to be able to make you happy. Maybe they are immature and not ready to settle down, or there is a distance issue. Whatever the flavor of emotional unavailability, none of these men will ever make you happy. Although a little uncertainty is part of the recipe for chemistry, a little push and pull are different from total emotional unavailability. If you find yourself more interested in chasing after the men that don’t want you, ask yourself why that is. Maybe you’re afraid that the right man will let you down.
Sign #3 You are too picky: You haven’t had a relationship in a long time.
When you keep your standards high, you find out over time if you’re a match. After a few dates or a few months of getting to know him better, you might discover you aren’t a good fit. Being picky is not having a second date for months or years. Your standards are too high, which is preventing you from exploring your options. Most people would never find their husband or wife if they had let their preconceived notions from their first meeting determine whether there was a future.
Sign #4 You are too picky: You aren’t realistic.
Some qualities are not negotiable: a kind heart, a sense of humor, and similar values. However, others just don’t really matter. The reality of a relationship is that compromise and negotiation are required. You are never going to share the exact tastes of your partner, and you probably wouldn’t want to. He may love violent movies while you hate them. He may want beach vacations while you prefer the mountains. Trying to find that level of similarity is too picky and completely unrealistic. Exploring the differences between you and a potential partner can lead to self-discovery and growth, so don’t write a guy off just because he doesn’t share your idea of excellent music taste.
Sign #5 You are too picky: You’re afraid of love.
If your friends and family are telling you that you’re too picky because you turned down date offers from some good guys, they may be right. Many people are conflicted about love: they want to find someone, but they feel threatened at the prospect of it. You might not even be aware of the fear consciously, but signs 1-4 suggest that something is amiss. If you were hurt in the past by any of your close relationships, you might be scared to get close to anyone. You stay safe by being too picky, but this ensures that you stay alone.
If you are too picky, you may have an intimacy issue that is keeping you safe from getting close to a relationship. While we may believe we’re just refusing to settle, sometimes we’re refusing to open ourselves up to love because we risk feeling pain. If this sounds like you, you might want to consider getting some professional help, a coach, or a therapist. Here is a good place to find out more about that process.
Are you too picky when it comes to dating? Leave us a comment below.