Caroline hadn’t expected to meet anyone at her friend’s dinner party.
But halfway through the evening, she found herself talking to a man named Peter. He was divorced, had two grown children, and had recently moved back to the city.
When the other guests began leaving, neither seemed particularly eager to end the conversation.
“I’ve really enjoyed talking with you,” Peter said.
“Me too.”
“We should get together sometime.”
“I’d like that.”
He smiled.
“Good.”
Then he glanced at his watch.
“I’d better go. Early meeting tomorrow.”
He stood up, then turned to Caroline.
“It was really nice meeting you.”
“You too.”
And that was it.
No phone number. No invitation. Nothing.
The next morning, Caroline called her friend.
“So, what did you think of Peter?” her friend asked.
“I liked him.”
“I thought you two hit it off.”
“I thought so too.”
“Did he ask for your number?”
“No.”
“Why didn’t you give it to him?”
Caroline laughed.
“Because he didn’t ask.”
“You could have asked for his.”
“I know.”
“Then why didn’t you?”
Caroline hesitated.
“I guess I wanted him to ask.”
“Why?”
“Because I wanted to know he was interested.”
“And if he was waiting for a sign that you were interested?”
“I told him I’d like to see him again.”
“Maybe he didn’t think that was enough.”
Caroline was quiet for a moment.
“Maybe.”
Her friend waited.
“But here’s the thing,” Caroline continued. “I don’t mind showing a man I’m interested. I just don’t want to be the one making everything happen.”
“Nobody said you had to.”
“I know. But if I’m the one who asks him out, how do I know whether he’s really interested or just happy to go along?”
Her friend didn’t have an answer.
Neither did Caroline.
Why a Man Who Seems Interested Doesn’t Ask You Out
Peter suggested getting together, but didn’t ask for Caroline’s number or arrange a date.
He may have intended to contact her through their mutual friend. His recent divorce may have left him uncertain about beginning another relationship. Or he may have enjoyed meeting Caroline without wanting to see her again.
If Peter isn’t interested in seeing Caroline again, he might still accept an invitation. If he’s uncertain about dating after his divorce, she could end up asking out a man who isn’t sure what he wants. And if he intends to contact her through their friend, he can take that step himself.
An invitation from Caroline might lead to a date without resolving the uncertainty that made her reluctant to ask in the first place.
Why You Might Prefer That a Man Ask You Out
Caroline is a successful professional who’s accustomed to taking charge. But she doesn’t want to take charge in romance simply because she can.
She’s attracted to a man who takes the initiative in courtship. That preference often extends beyond the first invitation. She may want a relationship in which a man suggests when they’ll see each other next and what they’ll do, expresses affection, and takes an active part in keeping their romance going.
A man who asks her out may not turn out to be the partner she wants. But if he asks, she’ll know he wanted to see her enough to do something about it.
She preferred to wait for Peter to contact her, even if that meant missing the chance to get to know him.
Caroline had told Peter she’d like to see him again. She wanted to see what he would do with that knowledge.
Other Reasons You Might Want Him to Ask You Out
A woman might prefer that a man ask her out because she wants reassurance that he’s attracted to her. She may be uncomfortable risking rejection, especially if she’s had the painful experience of expressing interest in a man who didn’t feel the same way.
For her, waiting for an invitation may be more about feeling certain of his interest than enjoying being pursued. She might welcome the chance to suggest dates herself once she knows he wants to see her.
Why You Might Make the First Move
Another woman might have met Peter at the dinner party and asked for his number or suggested they meet for coffee. She might appreciate a man who takes the lead in romance but also be happy to ask him out.
She may prefer to spend an evening with a man she finds attractive rather than wonder whether she’ll ever hear from him. She may feel more powerful in her romantic life when she has the freedom to express her attraction and invite a man out herself.
What Kind of Romance Do You Want?
When you let a man make the first move, you give him the opportunity to pursue you. He can enjoy trying to win your affection, even though he doesn’t know whether you’ll accept his invitation.
You can enjoy being pursued while discovering how much effort he’s willing to make to see you again.
When you prefer to ask him out yourself, you may enjoy a romance in which either of you feels free to express interest and suggest seeing each other.
Who makes the first move can influence the romance you have together.
Do you dream of a man who takes pleasure in winning you over? Or would you prefer a romance where either of you might make the next move?
Could You Be Missing the Pleasure of Being Pursued?
You may be enjoying your dates and meeting men you genuinely like. But what if there’s a side of romance you haven’t fully experienced?
There’s a difference between a man who enjoys dating you and one who is eager to win your affection. The second may enjoy making you smile, finding out what makes you happy, and giving you reasons to look forward to seeing him again.
There are subtleties to being pursued that can change how romance develops between you and a man. Once you understand them, you may find you have more choices than you thought.
I work with a small number of women at a time, and I offer a complimentary consultation where we can get to know each other and decide whether we’d like to work together.
