“Friday?”
“I can’t Friday.”
“Saturday?”
“Saturday works.”
“Great.”
They settled on a restaurant.
A moment later, Michael said, “What are you doing Friday?”
Claire smiled. “I have plans.”
“What kind of plans?”
“Why do you ask?”
“Just curious.”
“Are you seeing anyone else?”
Claire looked at him, but didn’t answer.
Michael waited.
“You’re not going to tell me?”
She took a sip of wine.
“How long have you been seeing him?”
Claire laughed. “You’ve already decided there’s a him.”
Michael looked at her.
“Is there?”
She smiled.
“That’s not an answer.”
“I know.”
He watched her for a moment.
“Who is he?”
“I’m not telling you.”
“Why not?”
Claire smiled. “Did you watch the game Sunday?”
Michael stared at her.
“You’re changing the subject.”
“I am.”
“Very smoothly.”
“Thank you.”
He shook his head.
A few minutes later, he asked, “Is he taking you somewhere nice?”
Claire laughed.
“You think this is funny.”
“A little.”
“I’m glad one of us does.”
She looked at him.
Michael leaned back in his chair.
“I don’t like thinking about you sitting across a table from another man Friday night.”
Claire’s smile disappeared.
He looked at her for a long moment.
“I really don’t.”
What a Rival Adds to Romantic Desire
Romantic competition can change the way a man experiences his attraction to a woman.
A woman he is already interested in can become more compelling when he realizes another man may want her too.
Michael could tell Claire that he wants to be exclusive. He doesn’t. He asks about the other man instead.
Competition may strengthen an attraction that is already there. But another man’s interest is unlikely to create attraction where little existed before.
So why can the mere possibility of a rival make desire stronger?
The possibility of losing someone he wants can increase how much he wants her.
Desire includes anticipation: looking forward to the next date, the next kiss, seeing where the relationship might lead. Knowing those experiences may never happen can make us crave them more.
When another man is involved, the possibility of loss becomes a competition. The man she chooses gets the woman they both want. Wanting her can become stronger because winning her means beating him.
Competition has its own appeal. Winning can be pleasurable in itself, especially when the prize matters. A rival gives a man someone to beat, and getting the woman becomes proof that she chose him.
Competition may also lead a man to invest more in the woman herself. He thinks more carefully about how to please her, makes more of an effort to see her, and becomes more involved in the courtship. That investment can strengthen his feelings for her.
There is another reason a rival can make a woman more desirable. Another man’s interest can tell him something about her value. If a man he respects finds her appealing, qualities he already admired may seem even more impressive.
A rival can also force a man to confront a choice he had been free to postpone. He may have enjoyed seeing a woman while remaining undecided about how far he wanted the relationship to go. Once another man appears to be a serious contender, indecision becomes risky.
What Happens When Competition Ends
A man may become more determined to win a woman once he has competition. But some of that determination may come from wanting her, and some from wanting to beat the other man. He may not be able to distinguish between the two. He simply knows that he wants her more.
If his desire for her changes once the competition is over, he may not understand why. That helps explain why a man can pursue a woman intensely while another man is in the picture, then feel less certain once he knows she has chosen him. The change can be bewildering for the woman. She may go from being intensely pursued to wondering how much he wants her at all.
More effort, greater eagerness, and a stronger determination to win a woman can look like evidence that his feelings will last. But competition may be intensifying all three.
More effort, greater eagerness, and a stronger determination to win a woman can look like signs of lasting feelings. But she may not know how much the competition is contributing to what she sees.
A woman can be swept up by a man who is determined to win her. That experience can feel like the beginning of the love she has been looking for. Yet what intensifies his courtship may have little to do with what keeps his desire alive.
Wanting Someone You Can Have
Early desire thrives on anticipation. Lasting desire has to survive familiarity. The person who once felt out of reach gradually becomes part of everyday life. Keeping desire alive then requires continuing to want someone you already know you can have.
As the mystery fades, desire depends more on finding each other interesting, attractive, and pleasurable to be with. You can enjoy your partner one day, feel irritated by him the next, and still want him. Over time, desire becomes less about who you imagined someone might be and more about wanting the person you have come to know. What draws you together can grow from the private humor you share, the pleasure of being understood, and the intimacy of a shared history.
When there is no one to beat and nothing left to prove, does he still want her?
Being deeply desired can be intoxicating. But if you want an extraordinary relationship, being wanted is only the beginning.
As you grow closer, knowing how to say yes to what you want and no to what you don’t gives you a rare advantage: you can encourage what you value in him while discovering how much he values your happiness.
The principle may sound simple. His response may not be. I help you discover more about the man you’re dating while making choices that allow the best of what is possible between you to emerge.
If you’d like my help, I invite you to schedule a private consultation.
