Is Your Ex Hurting Your Love Life?


We’ve all been there at some point: an old, familiar number suddenly appears on your phone out of the blue. It’s the ex. Do you text him back? Return his call? Maybe you’ve been thinking about him lately and have wondered what his life has been like since splitting up. Before you respond, it’s important to take a moment and really consider if that’s wise.

We’re built for attachment, so breakups can be very hard. Seeing or talking to your ex can stir up those old feelings of passion and may give you false hope that you can get back together. But talking to him might make it harder for you to move on in your life. You may need some time to recover. After awhile, some people can be friends with their exes, but others simply can’t. With time, you might realize that it’s not in your best interest to stay close to an ex. Doing what’s best for you and getting the respect and love you deserve is what it means to be your own Brand of Sexy. It means expecting men to respect you, to take your time to see if he’s right for you, and to have the confidence to move on if he isn’t.

There are times when you’re definitely better off not talking to your ex. If he’s yet to apologize for bad behavior such as being abusive, then talking to him is simply asking for trouble. The same applies if he has a drug or alcohol problem and he isn’t dealing with it. If he calls while he’s intoxicated, you likely won’t be heard or respected. One of the main guidelines in my book Be Your Own Brand Of Sexy: A New Sexual Revolution For Women is that your voice matters. Don’t expend energy on a man who isn’t willing to listen to you.

It’s also tricky if he dumped you and disappeared, only calling you whenever he breaks up with his current flame with the hope of getting back together. That situation could be an emotional roller coaster for you, and it would be best to avoid those calls. It’s much better for you when you only allow men in your life who treat you well.  You have to expect respect to get it.

If he’s calling to get back together and apologizes for his mistakes, you might want to see him again, but be very cautious. It’s not a good idea to just pick up where you left off. Take some time to figure out whether he’s really changed, or he could break your heart again.

Other situations might not be so clear-cut. The reasons for your breakup may have fallen into a gray area instead of being something obvious. Ask yourself these questions:

  1. Have you honestly looked at the reasons why you broke up? Space gives you the opportunity to think about them and determine if the relationship can be repaired, resolved, or if there’s simply been too much water under the bridge.
  1. Can he admit to mistakes he made that led to the breakup? Or does he simply blame you for all of them? If it’s the latter, it’s time to move on.
  1. Will your new guy be upset if you reconnected with your ex? He might object to you talking with an ex, especially if it’s a new relationship. You could derail the forward momentum you’re building with your new guy and lose him before you’re able to explore where this new relationship could go. (For more tips on how to keep your new relationship moving forward, see: How To Keep A Keeper).  Your new guy deserves your respect and attention.

You can have the relationship you’ve always dreamed of and with a man who loves you. You can do this! Take this quiz to start your path to learning what your own Brand of Sexy is.

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