Candace Bushnell — yes, the creator of Sex and the City — recently wrote about her experience dating later in life.
Bushnell’s story doesn’t show us that dating after 60 is hopeless.
It shows us what happens when you approach dating without clarity — no matter how iconic you are.
You’d think the woman who shaped a generation’s views on sex and relationships might have some solid insights about redefining love in your 60s. But what she reveals is more telling than she likely intended.
She writes:
“I don’t care!’ I want to shout. ‘I’m not interested!’ But the reality is that I often wonder if some part of me does care. I’m getting older, and I’m in the middle of figuring out what the rest of my life should look like… So even though I’m not 100 percent determined about it, I like to keep my hand in the dating waters. Having dated now for nearly 50 years,…”
— from “Sex After 60 in Sag Harbor”
This article is part of a three-part series on what Candace Bushnell’s recent dating essay reveals about how women over 40 approach love when the dating pool has changed — but their dating mindset hasn’t.
What’s striking isn’t that she finds dating hard — most women over a certain age do.
It’s that nothing about how she’s dating seems to have evolved.
Outdated Rules, Outdated Results
Bushnell isn’t dating without an approach — she’s relying on an outdated one.
She still follows the “three-date rule,” as if time and clarity weren’t more essential now than ever.
She’s aware that the dating landscape has changed.
But her approach hasn’t evolved with it.
She’s still relying on the same vague instincts — chemistry, spontaneity, a bit of ambiguity — that made her a cultural icon in her 30s.
But here’s the truth no one told Carrie Bradshaw:
When the dating pool shrinks, your clarity has to grow.
Without clarity about your mindset, goals, and habits — you’re not liberated. You’re just wandering. This is why dating with intention after 40 matters.
Ambivalence Isn’t Indifference
That ambivalence — wanting love but keeping it at a distance — can be a form of protection.
And that kind of ambivalence is familiar for a reason.
For many women over 40, being clear about what they want can feel risky. Our culture still expects them to be self-sufficient, grateful, and above wanting or needing love.
But saying you want real partnership — and defining what that looks like now — can feel vulnerable, even risky.
She says she’s not interested in love. But she still dates.
She imagines what might “work out.” She wonders if part of her does care.
She sounds conflicted.
And that kind of conflict isn’t uncommon, especially in women who’ve been hurt before.
Independence can offer protection — from heartbreak, from disappointment, from feeling exposed.
But at some point, staying neutral can cost more than it protects.
It can keep you in limbo — not fully in, not fully out.
And when you stop admitting what you want, it gets harder to move toward it.
It’s Not the Odds — It’s How You Navigate Them
She cites a grim stat: 57 men for every 100 women over 55.
But that number reflects women in their 70s and 80s — not women like her.
At 63, the ratio is closer to 81 to 100. Still uneven, but far from hopeless.
But honestly, those numbers aren’t the real issue.
The real issue is: What do those numbers require of you?
When the dating pool gets smaller, your clarity has to get sharper.
Vague longing, habitual dating, and outdated scripts don’t lead to real connection — and when dating already feels repetitive and unrewarding for many women over a certain age, going through the motions only makes it harder. It erodes hope.
Without clarity and intention, every date can feel like a dead end — and eventually, it can start to feel pointless.
Even with clear relationship goals after 50, dating can still feel like it’s going nowhere — but without them, it’s almost impossible to make sense of the process or find meaning in it.
But when you’re clear on what you’re working toward, the process becomes more than waiting for something to click. It becomes a way to learn what works — and what doesn’t.
You don’t build anything if you’re not aiming for something.
Even Icons Get Stuck
By 63, you can’t afford to date the way you did at 35.
The landscape is different — and so are you.
Even the most iconic women — the ones who helped define how we talk about love — can find themselves drifting through decades-old patterns in a completely changed world.
That doesn’t make you foolish.
It makes you human.
But it also means that if you want something lasting now, you can’t rely on instincts built for another time.
You need a compass.
You need a framework that reflects who you are now — not just what worked when the dating pool was bigger, the stakes felt lower, or you were more willing to leave things to chance.
And more importantly, it’s not just about numbers — it’s about what you do in that pool.
Clarity, mindset, and intentionality shape your outcomes more than ratios ever will.
Bushnell’s Story Isn’t Tragic — But It Is Telling
It shows how easy it is to keep engaging in something as emotionally charged as dating without fully examining what you want from it — or whether your current approach actually supports that desire.
Finding love with clarity doesn’t guarantee anything.
But without it, you’re not choosing your experience.
You’re drifting through it.
And at this stage of life, when your time and energy matter more than ever, drifting might not be enough.
That’s why dating with intention after 40 matters. It gives each step meaning — even when the outcome isn’t certain.
High standards don’t pair well with guesswork
Dating at this stage of life takes a different kind of strategy — one that’s clear, current, and grounded in what actually works.
I work privately with women over 40 who want a direct path to lasting love — and a dating approach that respects their time, standards, and experience.
Let’s talk. Contact me here.
Your past doesn’t hold you back — it sets you apart.
Learn how your real-life experience becomes your edge in love after 40.
Grab my free guide: “Dating Over 40? Know Your 7 Secret Advantages.”
