Is your worry about making the best first impression on a date preventing you from putting your real self out there? Maybe you’re just nervous beforehand, but don’t know why, leaving you to feel unsure and off your game when that’s the last way you want to feel before a date. If it feels like there’s a fine line between being assertive and being pushy, maybe you’ve stopped asking for what you want out of relationships. If you’re being you, is the fear that your date won’t like who you are? The goal in finding your own Brand of Sexy is to be confident in yourself so that you can get the relationship you want on your terms.
You CAN have the relationship you’ve always desired, and learning how to find your confidence in the impression you give others is a part of it. Last week we discussed how self-doubt and worry have the potential to sabotage a date. Now let’s look at what may be behind those feelings. It’s possible that you’re often just “going with the flow” to avoid conflict. But remember: your date is out with you because he’s interested in getting to know you. He wants to know what you like. (And if he doesn’t want to know what you like and who you are, then it won’t work out, anyway.)
While we’d all like to avoid rejection, it’s important to remember that hurt feelings and disappointment are simply one part of the dating game. We all experience them at some point. But these fears could be preventing you from enjoying all the other terrific parts of dating. When you worry about the impression you’re making, you’re not going to be enjoying your time on your date as much as you could be. How can you relax and have fun if you’re always worried about being rejected?
Kelly sat across from Bill, laughing at his jokes even though she didn’t particularly find them funny. She didn’t care for the experimental cuisine at the restaurant he’d chosen but didn’t want to appear unsophisticated by suggesting something less pretentious like she preferred. Bill was rich, handsome and successful, and her friends had commented on how it made him a “catch.” She felt unsure of herself all evening, unable to do more than go along with whatever suggestion Bill made. He seemed frustrated by the night’s end and she felt unhappy with her own passivity. If only she could rewind the past few hours and start over!
Some of us don’t want conflict. Women have often been trained to be “people-pleasers.” We go along with situations or conversations that might make us uncomfortable simply for the sake of avoiding anything that feels confrontational. It’s disappointing when things don’t work out. Learning how to reflect on what didn’t work, however, is a huge step in figuring out what will. The more you learn about what YOU want, the more in tune you become with who you are and what your Brand of Sexy is, and the closer you’ll be to getting the relationship of your dreams.
Even though Lucy was nervous beforehand, she was looking forward to finally going out with a new guy, Tomas. She had learned that she didn’t like to make all of the decisions for dates. In the past, it felt like she’d let her date down if she hadn’t picked the perfect outing. But this time, when Tomas asked her opinion on what they could do, she said. “What did you have in mind?” He suggested dinner at a little bistro or maybe something where they could be a little silly, like bowling and burgers. “Those both sound like a lot of fun,” Lucy said, “but I think I’d rather the bistro.” She didn’t want to plan their date, so asking Tomas for suggestions relieved her anxiety of coming up with a “perfect date,” leaving her free to relax and enjoy herself and her new guy. The string of sweetly flirtatious emojis from Tomas showed her that he enjoyed being a part of the process, too. She was really looking forward to tonight.
We’re always learning and growing, so don’t be hard on yourself if you’re more of a Kelly than a Lucy right now. You’re gaining confidence and understanding of who you are with every new encounter. Confidence in new situations comes with practice. Don’t be afraid to try. Don’t be afraid to be yourself. You’re worth it!
Finding your own Brand of Sexy will help you feel comfortable in your skin so you don’t have to worry so much about making a good first impression. Take this quiz to start the path to finding out what YOUR Brand of Sexy is.
Be your own Brand of Sexy and get what YOU want out of relationships. You can do this!