Have you ever had a gut feeling that you ignored, and then ended up regretting it? Perhaps your instinct is telling you something is seriously off with your current relationship. It might be time to be more objective about it and decide if it’s time to move on.
For the past month we’ve discussed how to be successful dating.
- You always have a choice.
- Media and peer pressure solutions might not be right for you.
- Slow can be sexy.
- Your voice matters.
- If a guy isn’t respecting your voice, move on.
Last week was all about your voice, about speaking up for what you want and don’t want in life and love, and staying true to your values. This week, it’s time to evaluate what happens after you use it. If your relationship feels rocky or if you suspect he doesn’t understand you, ask yourself: When you use your voice, does he hear you? In other words, does he not understand you because you weren’t clear, or were you clear and he still doesn’t get it?
Does Your Relationship Need a Check-up?
You may need a way to help you get clarity on what you’re feeling and thinking about your relationship. Taking a small step back to get to the heart of the problem can help you have a little space where you can decide if this relationship needs more work or if it’s time to move on.
Sometimes a relationship can heat up too quickly and then crash and burn. It may be possible to prevent a meltdown with many different relationship problems if you see warning signs and take action. For example, you might feel like your relationship is unbalanced, as if you’re the person putting in the majority of the effort. You might consider whether you’re letting him take you for granted.
Giving the relationship some distance will allow you the space you’ll need to gain perspective, and often works better than nagging when it comes to improving a relationship. He probably gets tired of hearing, “When will we get married? Why don’t we spend more time together?” If he doesn’t want to do it, you’re just making your time together unpleasant for him and yourself. However, some space might help him miss you and want to spend more time with you. If not, he just may not be that into you.
What You Can Learn About Your Relationship’s Future (if it has one)
Consider this scenario:
After dating for several months, Robin notices that Glenn likes to check out other women, even though she’s asked him to stop. When she complained about him doing this, he said, “Don’t be so sensitive. I’m just looking.” Robin doesn’t like this behavior, but has let him get away with it for a long time, so she knows she needs to be very clear and confront him again. “Glenn, I feel offended when you ogle other women in front of me. I’m tired of you dismissing my feelings about it. Would you please stop?”
He looks surprised and says, “Are you kidding? That’s who I am. You knew that when we met.”
Robin decides that Glenn doesn’t care how she feels. She breaks it off.
When you draw a clear line about where you stand and what your feelings are, his reaction will tell you if he can’t change who he is, if he’s testing you, or if he just doesn’t care how you feel. Of course, if he’s genuinely sorry and wants to change, you may have a workable relationship. If he ignores your feelings like Glenn did to Robin, if he says he’s not looking for the same level of commitment you are, or if he lies repeatedly, it may be time to move on.
In an ideal relationship, you’ll be comfortable standing up for yourself and your wants. Ask yourself these questions to help you figure out if he’s trying to understand where you are coming from:
- Does he respect you standing up for yourself, eager to understand your point of view?
- Or does he become annoyed or even angry when you do?
- If he disagrees, how does he handle this conflict?
Speaking up for yourself is a key ingredient for communication in work, play, or love. Do you struggle with telling men “no” to what you don’t want? Take this quiz to find out. It can help you learn if you’ve been sabotaging your chances for happiness. No one can read your mind.
Take the guesswork out of dating by learning what matters most to you in a relationship. Being true to yourself and your needs, you’ll find yourself having more fun than headaches (and heartaches). Remember, if he disappears, he wasn’t into you anyway. Honoring how you feel and what you want is what it is to be your own Brand of Sexy.
What’s the best way to express my feelings?
It can be difficult to take that first step if you’re not used to speaking out. But perhaps you don’t know what to say? This is why I wrote What to Say to Men on a Date: A New Sexual Revolution for Women. It’s a guide to help you answer those tricky and sometimes loaded questions from men. You’re given answers to help you find what fits your personality. It’s filled with advice on how to handle men who are upset, unreasonable, or who aren’t treating you well. The eBook gives you a variety of responses to choose from so that you can pick the perfect one for your voice.
You can learn more about how to stand up for your feelings and up your dating game to start getting what you want from men by reading my multi-award winning book Be Your Own Brand of Sexy: A New Sexual Revolution for Women.
Join the revolution of women here and on Facebook who are learning how to find their voice. Get your power back so you can have the relationships you want and deserve. You can do this!