How Self-Doubt can SABOTAGE your Love Life


A major key to enjoying dating and having the relationship of your dreams is when you can find the joy in the moment, not just on dates but in your everyday life, too. It’s difficult to envision that happy future you’re wanting to find with the man of your dreams if you’re stuck in negative self-doubt from the start, however. If you find yourself often thinking along the lines of, “Is he even going to like me?” your date might be picking up on that anxiety and feel like he’s not going to be able to make you happy. He wants to make you happy.  If your goal is a second date (or more), addressing these feelings of self-doubt is important. Let’s look at two scenarios.

Scenario One: Jane frantically trades outfits before her big date, not sure if the first outfit she’d chosen presents her at her best. Her date struck her as intellectual. She didn’t quite understand what his line of work was. Now she wonders if she will be able to keep up with him conversationally. He seemed so polished and cultured when they’d messaged earlier. When she finally meets him for cocktails, she wishes she had worn the first outfit she’d changed at the last-minute. Worried that she might say something that sounds foolish, she lets him take over the conversation, nodding and agreeing along with everything and stumbling through answers to his questions. She can see him losing interest, but she doesn’t know how to turn this around.

Scenario Two: Becky decides to wear what makes her feel sexy and confident. Her strappy top and sleek skirt always leave her feeling a little rock-and-roll. She smiles at a woman wearing a pretty dress as she enters the place where she and her date planned on meeting. Her date seemed like a smart guy. She’s excited to learn about what he does for a living; she’d never heard of that career before. When he starts explaining his job to her, she laughs and tells him it’s a little over her head, but it’s so attractive to see someone passionate about what they do for a living. When asked, she talks some about what she does, too. She likes to keep a little bit of her life to herself on dates. Plus, she can see he’s intrigued and wants to get to know her more.

Revisiting Scenario One. What a frustrating night for Jane! If only she could have remembered that she’d been asked out because her date found her intriguing when they first began messaging each other. For so many women, often a lack of self-confidence gets in the way of letting go and having a good time, from worrying about our bodies to knowing what to say.

Being your own Brand of Sexy is about being confident in the skin you’re in. Every inch of you, every hair on your head is you, and you are worthy of being loved! Jane wasn’t confident in her ability to make conversation. This is precisely why I wrote my eBook, What To Say To Men On A Date. This book can help you be yourself by taking away some of the anxiety in “How do I answer this question?” It’s practical advice for just about any situation you might find yourself in. It’s designed to help you get just what you want out of a relationship.

Revisiting Scenario Two. Becky didn’t dress to please her date, she dressed to please herself. As a result, she felt sexy and confident, two attributes men find enticing. She wasn’t worried about not knowing intimate details about what her date did for a living and instead used the opportunity to learn something new. Because of all this, she was able to have a terrific night out.

Finding out what your Brand of Sexy is can be life-changing for many women, bringing them a sense of confidence they didn’t know before. The happier you are with yourself, the more present you are with your partner. The more you can let go and enjoy yourself! You can get a FREE excerpt of my multi-award-winning book Be Your Own Brand of Sexy: A New Sexual Revolution for Women and learn how to be yourself on a date and get what you want from men.

Let yourself have fun. Learn how to curb the cycle of negative self-doubt and focus on making dates a fun experience so that you can start getting what you want from men. Be Your Own Brand of Sexy!

Join our growing community of women making progress as they become their own Brand of Sexy here, on Facebook, and on Twitter. You can do this!


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  • Georgiann says:

    Dated a 59 yr old man 2 times….went to dinner first night was great….2nd date at his home watching a great movie. We both didn’t know how to make a move for a kiss or closeness….I felt insecure and told him ui was nervous how to make a move to kiss him…I wasn’t sure if he wanted it So I held back????WHAT TO DO IN THE FUTURE DATE….AND WHAT TO TALK ABOUT….HE DOESNT TALK AS MUCH AS MYSELF…BUT NOT NONSTOP TALKEE..PLEASE HELP….

    • Dr. Susan says:

      Hi Georgiann,

      It’s nice that you like dating him.

      Maybe it’s too soon for a kiss or closeness if neither of you don’t know how.

      There’s no need to rush things.

      Maybe it’s a little soon to be going to his home.

      You can see what he offers as the next date and agree to more public dates so things won’t be so awkward.

      Why not find out if he can make conversation before moving things along physically?

      You can ask him what he likes to do for fun, what he does at work, about his family, hobbies.

      See if he asks you questions and is interested in finding out about you. You don’t want to be the only one making conversation.

      Keep us posted.

      Dr. Susan

  • Mason says:

    I am a man in my early 20’s and i struggle so hard with doubting myself.. i’m constantly finding it very hard fro me to convince myself that my date or girl I’m seeing can really like me.. and isn’t going to get distracted by someone else at any given time..
    I try to enjoy myself but i feel like i’m caught in Jealousy alot and have to focus on not seeming like i am.. all this bottling up of emotions doesn’t seem to work for me.. it doesn’t feel healthy for me.. and no matter what i can’t seem to grab a womans attention longer than a couple of weeks before they move along to the next person..
    I will think things are fine.. my partners like to have sex with me.. but it almost seems like they don’t want to take it any further.. why are women more willing to have sex with me rather than anything intimate and romantic?
    I really want romance and compassion and partnership!
    I’m 25 and i can’t get a real girlfriend who generally cares about me.. despite how i may feel.. despite me emotional attachment or lack of.. it’s hard for me now after so long.. to even really feel comfortable getting attached becuase of how things always end for me..
    I’m exhausted and thr more i fail the worse i feel.. the more likely women seem to push me away :/
    I’m a human with a heart too..
    I just want to not be scared of getting hurt.. maybe i should focus less on them.. it’s just hard to when you are eager

    • Dr. Susan says:

      Hi Mason,

      Everyone has some fear of getting hurt. It’s normal. And if you’ve been rejected a lot that just makes your fear stronger.

      I can’t tell from what you’ve written how much time you’re taking to get to know these women before getting sexually involved.

      Lots of people in their 20’s go for hookups, even during the pandemic. It’s important to be more careful these days about getting sexually involved because you can get COVID, even at your age, or give it to someone else.

      Getting sexually involved puts you at risk of getting hurt emotionally again too.

      I know you’re eager, but relationships often work better when you take time to get to know your partner, to make sure that you can trust them and you’re on the same page in terms of the kind of relationship that you both want.

      You may wish to hide your jealousy, but it isn’t easily hidden and that might be part of your issue with relationships.

      It’s in your best interest to consult with a therapist or coach to help you work on these problems.

      It can be a huge help for you and can completely change your love life.

      Please know that you deserve to get help for this and there is no shame in admitting you have problems and need help.

      Looking forward to hearing from you.

      Dr. Susan

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