Jessica, a successful businesswoman, was excited about a second date with Michael, still riding high after their fantastic first meeting. He was just as intellectually engaging as she’d hoped.
Over wine at a cozy bistro, they began discussing a novel they had both recently read. Jessica enthusiastically shared her thoughts, enjoying Michael’s passion for analyzing literature.
However, when Michael segued into analyzing the novel’s political themes from a moderately conservative viewpoint, Jessica changed the subject to avoid potential conflict over their differing perspectives.
Michael noticed this, giving a gentle push: “You know, I’d really love to get your honest take on this too. Don’t hold back on my account.”
But Jessica continued deflecting from topics of possible disagreement. She avoided openly engaging with ideological differences. As Michael chatted about his love for golf, Jessica smiled and nodded along despite finding the sport dreadfully boring. She forced laughter at his jokes, even the ones she didn’t fully understand.
By night’s end, Michael’s initial fervor had noticeably dimmed. She sensed distance between them.
Jessica headed home confused about why Michael’s enthusiasm changed compared to their first date. Michael stuck in her mind as she wondered what had gone wrong.
Jessica lost touch with her true self trying to make a good impression and avoiding potential conflicts. She wasn’t fully authentic. Michael couldn’t get to know the real Jessica, which explains the distance between them.
But what does it truly mean to show up authentically in dating and relationships? And why is authenticity so important?
What is Authenticity?
At its core, authenticity is about being true to yourself – your values, beliefs, interests, thoughts and feelings. It’s not putting on an act or pretending to be someone you’re not to please others.
Authenticity requires vulnerability, as you open yourself up and allow others to see your genuine self, flaws and all. It’s about having the courage to express your real thoughts, perspectives and passions in a nonjudgmental way without censoring the parts you think might be undesirable.
The Importance of Being Your Authentic Self
When it comes to dating and relationships, being your true self is crucial for fulfillment. How can you truly connect with a partner if you’re hiding your true self? No matter how hard you try, something important will be missing.
Constantly putting on an act is exhausting. And it won’t attract the relationship you want. After all, isn’t the whole point of dating to find someone who loves you for you – not just the cardboard cutout version you believe they desire?
Another important reason: insecurity and fear cause cracks in any facade eventually. When your partner begins to see the real you contrasted with the version you portrayed, it creates confusion and damages trust in the relationship.
Unveiling Your Authentic Self at Your Own Pace
There’s no one-size-fits-all approach for unveiling your authentic self. Every person has different boundaries and comfort levels.
The goal is to attract someone who appreciates the real you over time by consistently showing up as your genuine self as you become comfortable. In doing so, you’ll weed out incompatible partners who could never love the real you.
Don’t judge your personal boundaries – being your true self is honoring your individual comfort levels around sharing polarizing opinions, quirks or deeper vulnerabilities. Use wisdom about what to share and when, especially in the initial stages. You can express yourself without judging your date.
The key is self-awareness about your motivations for censoring aspects of yourself. If you aren’t suppressing core traits solely out of fear of rejection or conflict, you’re staying true to your authentic process.
Will it feel uncomfortable at first? Most likely. Our tendencies to filter or suppress certain traits often emerge from ingrained coping patterns and doubts about being fully accepted. But like retraining any muscle, it becomes easier and more natural over time and repetition.
There’s no need to rush into sharing all sides of who you are at once. Follow your instincts on what to unveil and when, based on building mutual trust. The intimacy you crave blooms through your courageous unveiling at your own pace.
Overcoming Roadblocks to Authenticity
When it comes to being your true self on dates and in relationships, two major roadblocks often get in the way:
Fear of conflict or judgment – We often filter our true selves out of fear that being honest will lead to arguments, hurt feelings or straight-up rejection. This fear of rocking the boat and causing any conflicts is deeply rooted in many of us.
People-pleasing tendencies – Related to the fear of conflict is the desire to simply make others happy, gain approval and avoid anything that could disappoint a romantic prospect or partner. We mold ourselves into who we think they want, suppressing incompatible traits and viewpoints.
Overcoming Self-Censorship
Overcoming these powerful forces of self-censorship and people-pleasing takes conscious effort. Here are some key steps:
- Make a list of the quirks, strongly-held opinions, unconventional interests/hobbies, and insecurities you tend to downplay or hide from romantic connections.
- Challenge any negative self-talk or feelings of shame about these parts of yourself. Reframe them as facets of your authentic identity.
- On dates, try to slowly unveil at least one of these typically suppressed traits through open conversation or actions. Get comfortable with a partner’s honest reaction.
- When fears of judgment or conflict make you hesitant to express your true self, ask yourself: are those fears justified? Sharing your authentic thoughts tactfully (“I feel…) can lead to deeper understanding and connection.
- Ask yourself if you’re prioritizing a date’s comfort over your need for self-expression. Is temporary approval worth the tradeoff?
- With accepting partners, gradually start expressing true feelings. Allow them to experience your full identity.
- The process takes practice, but relating genuinely is what fosters intimacy.
Bottom Line
Embracing authenticity is the key to a fulfilling dating experience. By gradually revealing your true self at a pace that feels comfortable for you, you allow potential partners to connect with the real you over time. Engage in activities and conversations that genuinely resonate with you, as this will naturally attract men who appreciate your unique qualities and perspectives. Remember, the goal is not to put on a facade to impress others but to let your authentic personality shine through as you build trust and rapport. Stay true to yourself, and you’ll create opportunities for meaningful connections with people who value you for who you are. Authenticity involves not only what you say but how you say it. While it may require vulnerability to progressively open up and show your true self in the dating world, it is the path to finding a partner who will embrace and cherish the real you.
Does the idea of being fully yourself in dating seem daunting or even impossible? If you’re ready to break free from the patterns holding you back and cultivate a dating life that aligns with your true self, I’m here to provide guidance and support.
I know the unique challenges you face as a woman looking for lasting love – I walked that path myself before getting married to my Mr. Right later in life.
Simply email me at info@drsusanedelman.com, and we’ll explore how my expertise can empower you to attract and keep the lasting love you want.
Ever worry that being a divorced woman over 40 puts you at a disadvantage? Believe it or not, your age has major advantages! Grab my FREE report to discover them here.
