Have you ever wondered whether a guy was into you? Did you later discover that you’d been gambling with your heart? Why is this pattern so familiar today?
It’s not your fault.
Our culture puts so much pressure on us to be sexy and sexual that many of us believe that’s the key to getting what we want. In reality, being sexy and sexual do not solve the mystery of how women get what they want from men. In fact, they just make it more confusing. Because when you think being sexy and sexual will get you what you want, it’s like driving in a strange new city without your GPS —it’s an easy way to get lost. Women get what they want from men when they pay attention to how they feel and do what works for them. That’s what I call being your own Brand of Sexy.
Let’s take Bethany, for example.
Bethany wants a boyfriend and is very excited and nervous about her upcoming date with Ted. Bethany thinks she should lose a few pounds before their date so she starves herself for a couple of days. She worries that her body will still be too large by the time they go out. She wonders how soon to have sex with him. Will she seem “easy’ if it’s too soon? Will he dump her if she waits too long? Will he find her attractive? By the time they go out, she’s worked herself up and is preoccupied with her worries. She is trying hard to please him, so she makes excuses for him when he’s rude to the waitress and tells her he has commitment problems. When he suggests they go back to her place, she’s happy that he’s attracted to her. She enjoys having sex with him, but she’s hurt and confused when she never hears from him again.
What happened? Bethany was so worried about being sexy and sexual that she missed some major red flags. When Ted was rude to the waitress, he was telling Bethany that he wasn’t trying very hard to make a good impression and that he might not be a very nice guy. When he said that he had commitment issues, he was warning her. Bethany was so focused on pleasing him by being sexy and sexual that she ignored her feelings. Rather than try to figure out if he was a nice guy who was interested in more than a one night stand, she ended up hurt and confused.
So many women today tell themselves and their friends that they should just brush those hurt feelings aside and just keep hooking up with men. But ignoring your feelings just compounds your problems. Being your own Brand of Sexy means figuring out what you want, what works for you as an individual, and what strategies will help you get whatever kind of relationship you want. If Bethany had been listening to her feelings and being her own Brand of Sexy, she might have been concerned that Ted wasn’t a very nice guy and that he might just be looking for casual sex. She might have protected her heart and suggested they take it slow rather than rushing into sex. Maybe he never would have asked her out again, but she wouldn’t have been left so hurt and confused.
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