Despite her successful career as a marketing executive, Jennifer’s attempts at finding a new partner since her divorce hadn’t gone anywhere. Rather than examining her own behavior, Jennifer consistently blamed external factors for her dating failures.
After a string of first dates that went nowhere, Jennifer developed a theory, “Men don’t want women with teenagers.” She never considered that spending entire evenings talking about her children might not be the best approach to romantic connection.
When Jennifer matched with Tom online, their chat fizzled out after a few days. “He probably found someone prettier,” Jennifer concluded, not realizing that her short, unenthusiastic responses had given Tom little to work with.
During a coffee date with Alex, Jennifer spent most of the time complaining about her ex-husband. When Alex didn’t ask her out again, Jennifer assumed, “He must prefer younger women.” She didn’t see how her negativity had been a turn-off.
Jennifer’s online dating profile focused heavily on her professional accomplishments. Getting only a few matches, she decided, “Successful women intimidate men.” It didn’t occur to her that her profile lacked warmth or insight into her personality beyond her career.
Over time, Jennifer’s frustration grew. “Maybe I’m just not meant to remarry,” became her mantra, blind to how her own actions and attitudes were the real obstacles.
The turning point came when her divorced friend Linda announced her engagement. Linda also had teenagers and a high-powered career. Despite facing the same challenges Jennifer claimed were holding her back, Linda had approached dating with openness and self-reflection, and it worked for her.
Seeing Linda’s success forced Jennifer to confront an uncomfortable truth: her excuses didn’t hold water. Linda’s engagement proved that age, having kids, and career success weren’t the real barriers to finding love. Jennifer realized she’d been using her age, children, and career as excuses, avoiding the real reasons behind her struggles in finding a new partner.
This realization led Jennifer to focus on personal growth. She started therapy, joined a hobby group, and practiced being more positive in her interactions. As she learned from her experiences and took responsibility for her part in past failures, Jennifer found her outlook on remarriage shifting from impossibility to potential reality.
The Numbers and What They Really Tell You
If you’re worried that your chances for love are slipping away as you age, you’re not alone. But the news is better than you think:
A 2014 Pew Research study shows these chances of a woman remarrying after 40:
– 40s: 57%
– 50s: 55%
– 60s: 50%
– 70+: 34%
But these numbers don’t tell the whole story. Yes, the numbers drop with age. But it’s not because men don’t want to date older women. The real reason? More women are choosing to stay single.
The AARP Study, called “The divorce experience: A study of divorce at midlife and beyond” studied divorcees aged 40-79 and uncovered a crucial insight: many women choose not to remarry.
The study found that 43% of women, compared to 33% of men, reported not wanting to remarry after divorce. Why the reluctance? 65% said they didn’t want another bad marriage. These women worry about repeating past mistakes and see remaining single as their protection against future heartbreak.
However, it’s crucial to reframe divorce not as a failure, but as a learning experience. Your ended marriage has equipped you with valuable insights about yourself, your needs, and your relationship patterns. These hard-won lessons can guide you towards healthier choices, whether you decide to remarry or not. The chances of a woman getting married after 40 are best when you’ve learned from your past.
Your age isn’t the barrier you might think it is. The real factors influencing whether you’ll remarry are:
- Your desire: Do you want a committed relationship?
- What you’ve learned from past experiences: These insights are your greatest asset in finding love again. They’ve taught you what you want and don’t want in a relationship, helping you make better choices and build stronger connections.
Your life experiences are both lessons and baggage. How you use them matters. By learning from your past, you can approach future relationships with greater wisdom and self-awareness, potentially breaking negative cycles.
If you want love, it’s still very possible – at any age. It’s not about what happened in your past, but how you use those experiences to create a better future.
Learning from the Past, Looking to the Future
Your ability to learn and grow from past experiences, rather than being limited by them, is a powerful tool in finding love at any age. It’s not about what happened to you, but how you use those experiences to shape a better future.
Consider what your past relationships have taught you about yourself, your needs, and what truly matters in a partner. These insights are invaluable in making wiser choices moving forward. By approaching new relationships with this hard-earned wisdom, you’re better equipped to build something lasting and fulfilling.
If you’re looking for love again, there’s good reason to be hopeful. The AARP study found that more than two-thirds of remarried people said their new marriages were strong. Many seem to build better relationships the second time around.
Remember, if you want love, it’s still very possible – at any age. Your past experiences, both good and bad, can be your greatest asset in finding the right partner and creating a healthy, happy relationship.
The Path Forward
Jennifer’s story shows us two paths after divorce:
- Let fear of getting hurt guide your actions, pushing people away. Jennifer did this by talking only about her kids, complaining about her ex, and behaving negatively.
- Look honestly at how your own behavior affects your dating success.
When Jennifer saw Linda’s success, she realized her negative expectations were sabotaging her chances. She chose to change her approach.
Your past relationships offer lessons, but only if you examine your own role in them. Are you, like Jennifer, unknowingly pushing people away?
If you’re stuck in negative patterns, consider getting help. Therapy or coaching can offer new perspectives.
Your odds of remarriage after 40 and living happily ever after are greater when you’re willing to learn from your past. With the right mindset and approach, a happy remarriage could be in your future.
Bottom Line
What’s your choice? Will you, like Jennifer, take an honest look at your dating approach and make changes? Or will you continue to expect rejection?
If you’re ready to say yes to a fulfilling love relationship and improve your chances of remarriage after divorce, I’m here to help. As a psychiatrist, therapist, and dating coach with over 30 years of experience, I offer personalized guidance to women over 40 who are ready to find love again. I got married over 40 and want to help other women improve their chances of remarriage after divorce. Write to me at info@drsusanedelman.com.
Share your thoughts in the comments below. What resonated with you in Jennifer’s story? And if you’re ready to take the next step in your dating journey, contact me for a consultation. Together, we can help you find the love you deserve
