Don’t Rush! Why It’s Important to Be Selective about Men


If you’ve been single for a while and are really struggling to find the right man, you’ve likely said this to yourself a couple of times: “Maybe I’m just being too picky.” Or perhaps some friends have said that to you when you went out together and confessed that the guy you were seeing isn’t really your type or that it didn’t work out.

So you may have started to believe that your pickiness is the reason you’re single. It’s not that the men you’ve dated had something wrong about them, but that your standards are too high and you are too picky. I’m here to tell you that being selective is essential when finding the right man, so don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.

When it comes to finding love and the perfect man, taking your time and not rushing into a toxic relationship is always the right move. In fact, even if you’re not looking for something long term, not being choosy about the men you get involved with can bring a lot of ache into your love life.

What Kind of Ache?

You never know what the heart wants. You can start dating a guy, knowing he’s not right for you but since you’re only having fun that’s not really a bad thing, right? You two have some chemistry and sparks are flying in the room, and both of you are on the same page when it comes to your relationship dynamic.

Except, what if you really, truly fall for him? What if you get attached to the wrong guy, even if in the beginning you never envisioned the two of you together. The heart wants what it wants, and sometimes it can go in the opposite direction of the brain.

Plus, there are some other “pros” of being more choosy that have to do with your personal safety:

  • Will he be reasonable when you break up?
  • Will he react negatively to you looking for someone else?
  • Are you at risk of contracting a disease?

Dating decisions, even if it’s just casual dating, should not be taken lightly. They can affect your heart and your health!

Taking It Slowly Is Essential

In last week’s post, you discovered why finding a man is just like finding the right house. You might like the idea of him, how he looks on the outside, how he makes you feel at first, but how he is on the inside is crucial to your relationship.

And figuring out if a man will meet your needs is unfortunately not as easy as finding out if a house will. When it comes to a house, you can go inside, have a look, bring an expert to spot any big red flags, etc. When it comes to a man, gathering all this information takes a lot of time, but it’s essential to know if he’s the right partner for you.

You never want to let anyone rush you into a decision when you simply don’t have all the information needed to make an informed choice that’s comfortable for you. Just like a real estate agent may pressure you to make an offer on a house that’s not exactly right for you, the man you’re dating may be in a hurry to get involved even if you have all the time to take it slowly and make a decision.

A guy who is seriously into you will also give you all the time you need to be comfortable with your decision. If all he’s looking for is sex, then you can obviously do better.

But your comfort and peace of mind isn’t the only benefit of taking things slowly. It can help you avoid dismissing every man you don’t have instant chemistry with. Instant attraction is sometimes all women go for at first, but this attraction can quickly fade. But if you take the time to get to know him first, that attraction can grow. It’s just like when you see pictures of a home online, but aren’t sure if it’s the right choice. If you actually go and visit the place, you’ll get a better sense of the property.

Final Thoughts: Rushing Is Never the Answer

Taking things slowly is really the ideal option when it comes to finding the right man, which is a lot different from “being choosy,” as you or your friends may put it. When you’re too choosy, you can arbitrarily reject a man without taking the time to actually know him. You’re rejecting him on a whim, not sentiment, not on an actual argument.

If he doesn’t check every box on your list and you don’t even give him a chance to prove himself to you, that could be because you’re scared of getting involved with a good man. That fear is understandable since it can take some time to truly get to know a person. And when you invest a lot of time in a failed relationship, it can feel like you’ve missed some pretty important years of your life.

But listen, there are lots of great men out there that aren’t right for you, and that’s perfectly fine. You can still learn a lot from these interactions, as they can help you develop an effective selection process that will assist you in making all these decisions easier.

Are you selective enough when it comes to finding the right man? Or are some good candidates getting the chop? Let us know in the comments.

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  • Dr. Susan says:

    Thank you for getting in touch. Glad you found it helpful.

    Dr. Susan

  • Dr. Susan says:

    Thank you for getting in touch.

    Finding the right partner is difficult.

    How are you meeting men now? Do you know any nice people in your area who might fix you up?

    Have you considered changing your online profile rather than just your photos? There may be some ways to improve it to attract different men. Here are some ideas for you:

    Please keep us posted. Wishing you lots of luck!

    Dr. Susan

  • Rosie says:

    I think it’s okay to selective, as long as we can offer a potential partner that which we expect from him or her. I see far too many average and below average people who desire a high value partner. Those who desire the best should also offer the best. My observation: people who are average or below average know deep inside that they will be rejected by the high value partners they seek. They are projecting their own inadequacies when they reject people on their own level who are interested. Then they wonder why they are alone.

    • Dr. Susan says:

      Hi Rosie,

      You bring up some interesting questions.

      Yes, we’d all prefer a high value partner, and high value partners want somebody on their level.

      We all have our strengths and limitations. Maybe you’ll be good at something that your partner is bad at, and he’ll be good at something that you aren’t so good at. As long as you’re both learning something from the other, it can work.

      If you want a high value partner, become higher value yourself.


      Dr. Susan

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