How to Tell If You Are Dating a Loser

21
Nov

How to Avoid Dating Losers and Deadbeats

Women often find themselves in disappointing relationships with men and then get stuck in them, not finding the strength or motivation to put an end to it. Eventually, these relationships do end, but it’s rarely amicable.

Here’s a scenario you might know all too well. You met this man and it was all fun and games in those courtship and honeymoon months. Then he became part of your life, and you started living together, making big decisions and sharing responsibilities, but you seem to carry most of the load. Although he won’t pay for anything or can’t keep a job, you may become so attached that you keep hoping he’ll change his ways. It’s possible that you’ll end up sticking with him so long that you regret it later.

Unrealistic Expectations or Red Flags?

Nobody’s perfect, as we all know. You may have to make compromises to your checklist of “must-haves” especially if they’re unrealistic. Most men can’t keep up with fantasy level ideals, like being super wealthy or movie star handsome.

But it’s one thing to have unrealistic expectations, and another to keep lowering your standards just to make room for the man who just appeared in your life. If you start overlooking items on your list of requirements, then you should do it for good reasons.

You don’t want to settle for a man at the opposite extreme. You need someone dependable, a man you can rely on. Otherwise, how will you have an equal relationship? If you always have to take care of him, you’ll probably end up resenting it. Before you jump in, consider how your relationship will work in the long run. Do you want to be his partner, or some kind of mother surrogate who pays his bills and cleans after him?

5 Steps for Avoiding an Unfit Partner

If you want to avoid dating a man who won’t make a good partner in the future, closely follow these 5 steps. Don’t skip over the ones that aren’t convenient, you would only be doing yourself a disservice.

  1. Know the Kind of Relationship You Want

When you make your checklist of criteria, make sure you think about important factors that will strengthen the quality of your relationship. Is he a grown up? Does he make good decisions with his life? Does he make an effort to understand how you feel? In many ways, these are critical to the staying power of your relationship. Do you want to be involved with a man who is immature or can’t be there for you in an emotional way?

  1. Pay Attention

It can be easy to overlook a man’s flaws if you’re very attracted to him or afraid of being alone. Be sure to keep your eyes open to any warning signs, especially if you like him. It might be more fun in the short term to get carried away and worry about the consequences later, but improving your love life requires thinking about the long term.

  1. Be Honest with Yourself

Even if you are paying attention to his faults, you might not want to take them seriously. Women tell themselves the man’s flaws aren’t that big of a deal, or that they’re just being too picky.  Maybe you don’t know yet how big of a problem his flaws can be, but you’re always better off being aware of them and trying to determine over time how serious they are.

  1. Don’t Make Excuses

When he expects you to pay for dinner, do you tell yourself, “Wanting him to pay is old-fashioned”? When he calls late at night to “hang out,” do you figure that he worked late? If you’re disappointed, it’s better for you to be aware of those feelings rather than to excuse his behavior.

  1. Be OK with Being Alone Until He Comes Along

When you’re lonely, it can be very tempting to choose any relationship just to fill the void. If you’re desperate to reduce your emotional pain, you can easily settle for someone who’s toxic for you. But that’s solving a long term problem with a short term kind of solution. If you’re lonely, it’s in your best interest to address the root causes with some kind of therapy.

When you follow these steps and are open to the good men who come your way, you’ll be on the path to finding true love. What are your next steps on your path?

Leave me a message below. I’d love to hear from you.

 

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Comments

  • billie jo says:

    Great advice I needed to hear that

  • billie jo says:

    Great advice I needed to hear that thank you so much

  • I have been texting with a man, who says he’s a celebrity singer. He approached me on his fan club website. He immediately started telling me he needed money. This has been going on for two years in February. I have sent him money two and three times a month usually $500-$1000. We have not met and he hasn’t even called me, he says his management has taken advantage of him and that he needs $40,000 to be free from his management. We have both said we love each other and that we want to spend the rest of our lives together and grow old with each other. Every time he asks for money and I don’t send it he makes the excuse that he can’t pay for his internet. To make a long story short lip service is all I have gotten so far. The pandemic is a factor to consider, but how can I be sure he’s sincere and wants me in his life? I also wonder if he has done this before??? HELP!!

    • Dr. Susan says:

      Hi Linda,

      I’m sorry to have to tell you that this man is scamming you.

      Despite how you feel about him, you should stop contacting him.

      Unfortunately, there are men and women taking advantage of people like this all the time.

      You’ve spent enough time and money on him.

      It’s time to think about meeting a real man who doesn’t want to take advantage.

      Even in a pandemic, people are calling and video chatting.

      I know this is going to be very painful for you, but you must move on.

      If he has your personal information, you may need to take further steps to protect yourself.

      Please keep us posted.

      Warmly,
      Dr. Susan

  • Margaret says:

    But how can tell you if a flaw is worth paying attention to and what if it is your fault that you are attracting all these losera

    • Dr. Susan says:

      Hi Margaret,

      It’s nice to hear from you.

      All flaws are worth paying attention to because you have to decide if they are flaws you can live with.

      Everybody has flaws. Everybody attracts people they aren’t interested in.

      You don’t have to worry about attracting losers.

      Blaming yourself for attracting a loser is being too hard on yourself which is not the best use of your energy.

      You just have to figure out if a man’s flaws are going to work for you.

      Warmly,
      Dr. Susan

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