How to find love after a narcissist.


Have you ever gotten attached (or ensnared is more like it) to a narcissist? It’s no wonder if you have. Our crazy culture encourages, and even glamorizes narcissistic behavior by telling us that we aren’t confident enough, or that we need more beauty, more wealth, and more power. A narcissist embodies these qualities and is continually striving for more, more, and more.

Unfortunately for the unwary, narcissists are intriguing. We miss or outright ignore the warning signs that we’re headed for trouble and should leave.  

Let’s take a look at what happened to Cindy.  

Cindy met Jake and was instantly attracted to his charm and good looks. On their first date, Jake was attentive and confident. He ordered Cindy’s dinner and her wine. He told her many impressive stories about the famous, interesting people he knew. Although Jake didn’t ask Cindy much about herself, she figured he was just nervous, and she overlooked his apparent lack of interest in her life. They continued to date.  

Jake was consistently sweet to Cindy and treated her well. But when he told her about his past relationships, it was always the other person’s fault, and Jake seemed to lack insight into how his behavior could have influenced things. But Cindy was hopeful that their relationship would be different.  

About three months after they started dating, Jake began to get flirtatious with other women, in front of Cindy. And, he stopped asking Cindy out on Saturday nights, which had been their usual date night. Cindy was hurt, and she started to get suspicious that Jake was seeing someone else behind her back. Cindy confronted Jake. At first, he lied to her, but eventually, he confessed that he was seeing someone else.  

Cindy tried to end the relationship, but Jake was persistent at trying to win her back. Cindy wondered why it was so hard for him just to leave. But even more than that, Cindy wondered why she continued to communicate with him after how much he’d hurt her. Why was she letting him treat her so poorly? 

Cindy needed time and space to get past this toxic relationship. If you’re in a similar situation, give yourself a chance to process your feelings and detox from the narc. You have to go “no contact.”  

  1. Say No

Standing up to someone who treats you poorly can be a very empowering experience. Even if you miss him and want to see him, you have to realize that he isn’t right for you and act on that knowledge. It’s vital that you put your needs first. This might mean not returning calls or texts, blocking his number, or blocking him from social media. If he’s dangerous, don’t hesitate to protect yourself with a restraining order.  

  1. Reach out for support. 

Talk to a trusted friend, family member, or join a support group. Or, see a therapist one-on-one who is trained at helping people move on from toxic relationships. It might also help if you keep a journal so you can process the painful experience of dating a narcissist.  

  1. Forgive Yourself.

You were duped, tricked, lead on, and manipulated by a master manipulator. But part of you allowed the abuse to continue. Chalk it up to a learning experience, and use it to help you understand why you fell for such a person and why you continued to let them mistreat you. It’s important that you forgive yourself because the mistreatment wasn’t your fault. But you need to learn why you allowed it to happen so you can protect yourself and avoid toxic people in the future.  

  1. Explore and heal your motivations. 

Did this person’s appeal have something to do with a lack of nurturing, security, or appreciation in your past? Understanding the roots of your attraction to a narcissist and toxic relationships can free you from their spell.  

  1. Listen to your inner voice. 

Being Your Own Brand of Sexy is your inner guide to avoiding narcissists, cheaters, and abusers so you can find a good man. You can develop this part of yourself that will help you figure out what dating processes work for you, and how to get what you want in love. Your inner, intuitive voice can be honed to help you spot a narcissist before he does any damage.  

  1. Be Patient.

Healing takes time. Be kind to yourself, and be persistent and committed to the recovery process. It will lead you to healthier, happier relationships.  

Although recovering from a narcissist is difficult, it’s a critical turning point in your life. Learning from painful experiences can dramatically improve your future relationships. Once you heal, you’ll never tolerate such behavior and mistreatment again.  

My course, Being Your Own Brand of Sexy in 5 Simple Steps is designed to help you develop that inner voice that will lead you to healthy, fulfilling relationships and away from toxic ones. Once you finish the course, you’ll know how to be true to yourself, how to find quality dating partners, and eventually, Mr. Right.  

If you’re tired of the pain of dealing with narcissists and other toxic people in the dating scene, Being Your Own Brand of Sexy in 5 Simple Steps will enable you to have healthier, happier relationships. Sign up for the waitlist now, and you’ll be the first to know when the course goes live.   

Want more? Learn how to detect narcissists and players BEFORE they break your heart with this FREE checklist.

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  • Crystal says:

    Thank you Dr. Susan for helping me realize that I know I can do much better, for opening my eyes to not accepting dishonesty in such a toxic situation… What I know now was something I’ve always known deep down and I’m on my road of recovery.

    • Dr. Susan says:

      Hi Crystal,

      So nice to hear from you.

      Congratulations for taking steps to extricate yourself from that toxic situation.

      I’m glad I could help you get started on your road of recovery.

      Please keep us posted. We want to hear from you.

      Dr. Susan

  • Janice says:

    Excellent article. I agree that our roots affect our preent relationships, be it personal or work-related.

    • Dr. Susan says:

      Hi Janice,

      Very nice to hear from you.

      That’s a very important comment.

      People don’t always realize that work relationships can be affected too.

      Thanks for getting in touch.

      Dr. Susan

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