How to Stop Judging People by Their Appearance when Dating


Although the phrase, “Don’t judge a book by its cover” has been popular since 1860, people in our culture do it daily. Our culture bombards us with messages about the importance of looks and beauty. Bucking the tidal wave of attention to beautiful people takes true bravery.

When it comes to dating, it’s easy to fall into the trap of judging by appearances. You swipe by looks. You see a man who’s tall, dark, and handsome, and you assume he must be the perfect catch. But looks can be deceiving. What if he’s not the kind, loving, genuine man you’re looking for?

Finding love is about much more than just finding a man who looks good on paper. You need to look beyond the surface and get to know him for who he truly is. Don’t let his job, car, bank account, or appearance cloud your judgment. Take the time to find out about him on a deeper level. What are his core values? What motivates him? What are his dreams and aspirations? These are the factors that will determine whether you’re a good match or not.

Unfortunately, when you judge by looks, you might miss out on some wonderful men who don’t fit the mold you have fixed in your mind about what you want. You might not even give them a chance to impress you with their wit, charm, or loving nature.

Don’t forget the big picture. Your dating journey is about finding someone who aligns with your values, challenges you to be your best self, and supports you through thick and thin. You have many more options when you step outside your comfort zone to look below the surface and get to know a man for who he truly is.

Here are 7 tips to show you how to stop judging people by their looks:

1. Ask yourself why you feel the need to judge.

Not everyone judges others. Why do you? Did you learn to do it from your parents?  Are you doing it because you feel insecure and need external validation? It’s possible that you feel better about yourself when you put someone else down. Understanding your insecurities can help you judge others less.

2. Know your triggers.

Maybe you aren’t normally someone who judges others, but occasionally that side of you comes out. Are you stressed, sleep deprived, or in certain situations? Does dating bring out your judgmental side? Are you afraid to be judged by your appearance?

3. Challenge your biases and preconceived notions.

We all have our biases and preferences when it comes to physical appearance, but it’s important to recognize when your biases are getting in the way of finding a compatible partner. Take a step back and try to look at a man objectively without letting your biases cloud your judgment.

We all know that looks can be deceiving. A gorgeous man can turn out to be a narcissist, and a man who’s not your type could surprise you with his level of maturity. Maybe you can tell how intelligent or extraverted a man is from a look at his face, but this research shows that you can’t tell whether he can be trusted. This is a huge problem since trustworthiness is vastly more important to the success of your relationship. You must look below the surface to determine if a man can be trusted.

4. Practice acceptance and compassion.

Your date is a human being. Judging him by appearance is devaluing his humanity. He’s much more than how he looks. Try to put yourself in his shoes. Find out who he is and figure out what his redeeming qualities are. Even if you aren’t attracted to him physically, he may teach you something about what you seek in a potential partner.

5. Reframe your mindset.

Instead of judging by appearance and other superficial qualities, try to focus on his character, values, and personality. What are the qualities that are important to you in a partner, like kindness, honesty, and integrity? These are the factors that determine whether your relationship has a future, not his external appearance.

6. Treat others the way you want to be treated.

The golden rule of “do unto others as you would have them do unto you” is especially important. Even if you aren’t interested in a future relationship with them, you want to get into the habit of treating your dates with kindness, respect, and compassion. Don’t you want to be treated that way? Building positive relationships with everyone you meet will help you have a successful future relationship.

7. Stop judging yourself.

Many judgmental people are just as hard on themselves as they are with others. Sometimes they judge other people in order to make themselves feel better, but that relief doesn’t last long if you tend to be critical of yourself.

Join the rest of us in the land of imperfection. Forgive yourself for any flaws you have. You can accept yourself the way you are.

In conclusion

Judging by appearance is not an effective dating strategy. Treating others with kindness, respect, and empathy is a powerful way to build deeper human connections, both in dating and in life.  When you look beyond the superficial, you can discover qualities in other people that you may not have noticed. By focusing on what really matters to a successful relationship, such as shared values, interests, and communication, you may be more likely to find a compatible partner who shares your vision of the future.

“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” When you treat your dates well, you make the dating world a less hostile place.

Do you feel judged by your appearance? What do you think about how dates should treat each other? Leave us a comment below. We always love to hear from you.

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