When Should I Have Sex with a New Man?


In this modern world of online dating sites like Tinder and the “hook up” culture, the message seems to be clear: Women are expected to say “yes” to sex, and right away. But is that in your best interest? Or are you feeling pressured to act against your instincts? Does the thought of rushing into sex leave you feeling like you might be making a wrong turn, but you’re unsure about how to steer back onto the right path?

When you start dating a guy you really like, it can be easy to jump right into the sexual part of the relationship. We’ve all heard of the “three date rule”—that by the third date, it’s expected that the woman will “put out”. Is three dates really enough time to know your new guy? It really isn’t enough time to establish the trust needed for that level of intimacy for most women. Perhaps instead of the “three date rule,” we take the time to consider a new mindset that Slow Can Be Sexy.

Sex is about much more than the physical act. For most women, sex opens up a whole new level of intimacy, connection, and vulnerability. It’s time to be honest about how you feel about sex and dating. Being your own Brand of Sexy means learning what works best for you and not just doing what others expect of you. It’s about knowing yourself and acting on it. It’s how you’ll end up with a healthy relationship on your own terms.

The Five Guidelines to Dating Success by Being Your Own Brand of Sexy

  1. You always have a choice.
  2. Media and peer pressure solutions might not be right for you.
  3. Slow can be sexy.
  4. Your voice matters.
  5. If a guy isn’t respecting your voice, move on.

Last week the topic was how media can pressure us into believing we’re “prudes” if we say no to sex right away. This week we’ll discuss how important it is to take the time you need before you say “Yes” to sex. Instead of rushing into a situation fraught with emotional shrapnel, take the time to do a full recon on your emotions and your wants for a relationship.

Slow can be sexy by reintroducing romance and courtship

When you take the time to get to know each other before you get sexually involved, you give yourself the space needed to learn what type of man he is. You also give him the opportunity to woo you, to show you his level of interest in pursuing a relationship (or if he just wants sex). You’ll have the time to decide if he’s worth pursuing or if he’s only a rebound.

Women today think “protection” means condoms and birth control pills. They don’t think about protecting their hearts. Does having sex with a man make you feel attached, even if it’s “casual”? Do you tend to feel insecure about the relationship after you take that step? If so, it might be time to accept that casual sex is not good for your emotional health. You feel what you feel, and that’s okay! Many women today think, “What’s wrong with me that I get so attached?” but we’re built for attachment. If you aren’t sure where you stand or you don’t know if sex makes you feel attached, protect your heart. Don’t have sex without the commitment you want.

What you should ask yourself before saying “yes” to sex:

  1. Does he want what I want?
  2. How will I feel if we have sex and he disappears?
  3. How much will I regret passing on sex if I never hear from him again because I passed?

Bonus question: If you think you need to have sex to keep a relationship, is it really a relationship you want?

It’s important to honor who you are regardless of what media or social pressures tell you you’re “supposed” to be. Knowing how you really feel about sex and intimacy will save you heartbreak down the road. It’s key to being your own Brand of Sexy, knowing yourself and your relationship goals. This is how you’ll find the man of your dreams instead of being stuck dealing with a potential nightmare.

Do you struggle with saying “no”? Take this quiz to find out. Then, be sure to tune back in next week as the focus will be on learning how to make your voice heard and learning how to stand up for what you want in a relationship instead of feeling pressured to “go along with the flow”. You can do this! You can have the relationship you’ve always wanted, and on your own terms! Start today! Make a commitment to yourself to make 2017 different.

It’s time to start getting what you want out of relationships. It’s time to get the man you want and on your terms. This can be the year when you change your love life to one of which you’ve always dreamed. Download a FREE excerpt of my multi-award winning book here. You’ll learn what works best for you so that you can have your expectations met by the men you date. Start getting what you want from relationships. Be Your Own Brand of Sexy!

Join the revolution of women taking control of their love lives here and on Facebook. You can do this! Bring romance and courtship back into your love life by letting yourself take things slow.

Share This:


  • Layla says:

    So true!! I dated a man who just lost his wife being a widow myself , against my better judgement I did sleep with him for 6 months all was well then Boom!! He decided just like I told him when we first met, maybe he should go out with other women before entering a relationship. I was hurt but knowing he had just lost his wife I understood and chose to not date him but be friends. A few months later he started coming back around and once again I fell for it LoL after now a year and a half I told him since he couldn’t call me his girlfriend or make a commitment to be exclusive. I would prefer to be friends only. We don’t talk all the time and I can be friends with him. He is a good person however if I ever expect to find my one and only I can not get hung up sleeping with him when he is not ready! This frees me up to meet others. However being friends with him is even tough at times emotionally. I am a strong person and know that Mr Right will come when it’s right meanwhile at least I have a male friend to hang out with if I want male company. And no I am no longer sleeping with him kissing or etc😄 I am proud of mysel

    • Dr. Susan says:

      Hi Layla, Thanks for letting us know the progress you’ve made. It sounds like it’s been quite a roller coaster! Getting some distance in this relationship sounds like a great way for you to take care of yourself. If being friends with him is tough for you emotionally sometimes, is it working for you to be his friend? It can be tricky to stay friends with an ex if you still have feelings for him. Sometimes women can still be hung up on their ex even when they are meeting other men. I know you really want to meet someone new. Let us know how it’s going.

Leave A Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *